


all the pieces of me in you

by thefullergirl



Category: POCKETDOLZ (Band), X1 (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, At the beginning anyways, Best Friends, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Holding Hands, M/M, Pining, Unrequited Love, gyulcat happens at some point, mentions of Seungyoun, mentions of seungwoo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2020-04-20
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:07:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 24,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23754325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefullergirl/pseuds/thefullergirl
Summary: That’s the thing about Lee Hangyul. Everyone likes him.
Relationships: Kim Yohan/Lee Hangyul
Comments: 23
Kudos: 71





	all the pieces of me in you

**Author's Note:**

> this was written as a way to practice writing Yohan, since i have been having difficulty writing him for some reason. my first really long yohangyul fic, i hope you like it! (also this was a way to just absolutely gush over hangyul, as i usually do)

▷

Of all the things that Yohan would willingly wake up for, it’s the promise of a good breakfast.

That’s a fact that Hangyul knows too well. He opens Yohan’s apartment with his spare key, setting down a bag of groceries. Another thing he knows too well: Yohan’s fridge never has anything substantial.

Yohan wakes to the smell of breakfast, and it’s such a familiar thing now that he doesn’t even need to wonder who could possibly be preparing his breakfast in that kitchen he barely touches.

Hangyul greets him with a smile as bright as the morning sunlight coming through his windows. Yohan is all too aware that he must look like a mess compared to Hangyul, with his wrinkled sleep clothes and his bed hair and his bleary eyes.

But Hangyul has never minded, not even once.

Yohan thinks that sometimes he doesn’t deserve his best friend. Especially not when he makes the type of food that Yohan will never admit he misses, especially not when he makes Yohan’s normally terrible day a little better without asking for anything in return.

Not that Hangyul will ever believe that.

Sometimes (okay, a lot of times), Yohan thinks that he should just go and tell Hangyul that he doesn’t need to do all these things for him.

It’s hard to tell the man, when he keeps insisting on it like his life depended on it. Yohan always gives in, but he also always feels guilty after.

He didn’t need Hangyul to bring him water after all his training sessions before. His teammates always used to notice, but it wasn’t like Hangyul ever gave a shit about them. Yohan didn’t really care about them noticing either, but sometimes he just liked listening to them talk about the pretty boy that always brought him water.

He didn’t need Hangyul to pick him up all those times he got too drunk to even get to his car. Yohan could’ve easily called a cab. Alright, maybe he _did_ try to call cabs before, but ended up calling Hangyul instead. Still, the man could’ve called a cab for him rather than go through all the trouble of going to whichever hidden bar he was dragged to that night and taking him home. Plus, Hangyul _really_ didn’t have to clean up whatever mess he makes when he inevitably crashes into his apartment, drunk and incoherent.

He didn’t need Hangyul to buy him groceries that he always forgets to, bringing them to his apartment and not even accepting the cash that Yohan tried to shove into his hands. Hangyul knew his favorite ramen flavor, the laundry detergent he liked, and the shampoo that works best for him. Whenever Hangyul passed out on his couch, Yohan slipped him a few bills to pay for the groceries, but Yohan often finds those bills on his countertop the next morning.

He didn’t need Hangyul to cook him breakfast during that time he was in a slump. Yohan barely had the will to get up and do anything, but that didn’t mean that Hangyul had to go and practically force feed him and try to get him outside his apartment for more than 5 minutes. Hangyul didn’t even really ask what was wrong, willing to give him time to process stuff on his own and talk about it when he was ready.

Yohan was never ready, but Hangyul kept coming over to feed him, still.

Sometimes (okay, a lot of times), Yohan wishes he can somehow tell Hangyul to stop making such an effort, but he has found that Hangyul never listens to him about that.

  
  


◁◁

Yohan was already seated in a seat he liked, close enough to both the board and the wall so that he can see well while also being able to maybe escape a scolding if ever he dozes off. 

Other kids in the class were going to their friend groups, chatting about their breaks and all the things they did. Yohan didn’t have much to talk about other than all the training he did, and he doubted anyone wants to hear that.

It’s not that Yohan didn’t have friends. Some would pass by his desk and tell him to sit at their table at lunch. Some would crowd around him, asking him how he’s been and what he was excited about. Yohan would lie and say he was excited to start the school year again just to keep the conversation rolling. 

It’s just that Yohan isn’t particularly feeling like socializing then. He’d warm up to everyone as the year progressed, he knew, so he didn't really think about making the effort on the first day.

Their first teacher is already halfway through introductions when a boy stumbles into the classroom, hair mussed and his shirt slightly untucked. He looks like he’d been running.

Good thing that their teacher, Miss Jung, is nice. She guides the boy into the classroom, reassuring him as he spews out all sorts of apologies. Gently, she reminds him to not be late again, and the boy nods quietly.

The only remaining seat is next to Yohan, and the boy slid into the seat, his bag making a dull thud as it hit the floor. Yohan watches as he seems to fan himself, warm even though the weather was cool. 

After a few minutes, Yohan offers his handkerchief, the one his mother gave him with his name embroidered on a corner. The boy stares at it for a bit, unsure what to do. Yohan silently thrusts it towards him, and he finally takes it, gently dabbing at his sweat.

When that class ends, the boy immediately turns to him. “Thank you for this! I promise to wash it well and return it to you!”

His voice is so loud and enthusiastic that some of the other kids turned to look, and Yohan feels the tips of his ears turn red. “Oh, uh, no problem.”

They are silent for a few minutes, bringing out the materials needed for the next class. Yohan tries not to look at the boy, who is hurriedly tucking his shirt back into his pants.

Finally, Yohan thought of something else to say to the boy. “I don’t think I’ve seen you around here before.”

The boy turns to him, eyes wide and face open. Yohan thinks he looked like a puppy, almost. “Oh! Maybe we just weren’t ever in the same classes.”

Yohan nods, chewing at his lips. It was the most likely explanation, and it’s not like he knew everyone at their school anyways.

Without a second thought, Yohan pulls out a piece of candy from his bag, sliding it onto the boy’s desk. The boy looks at it, confused.

“It’s nice to meet you. I’m Yohan.”

The boy unwrapped the candy carefully, popping it into his mouth. “I’m Hangyul.”

That day, Yohan sits with him during lunch. And the day after that. And the day after that. And the day after that.

Hangyul was the type of guy that people just gravitated towards, he learned. That smile of his easily rivalled the sun above them as they performed morning exercises at school, with Hangyul nudging him playfully whenever Yohan was too lazy to do one part of the routine. It didn’t matter to Hangyul if he was called to the front because he was snickering too loudly, he’d even walk to the front with pride. Hangyul was hard not to like.

And it was evident. They’d walk the school hallways together and had to keep stopping because Hangyul had to greet a friend. Yohan had lost track of all of them. There were a few from the sports club, and then pretty much all of their classmates from their classes. There were old neighborhood friends, and family friends, and some cousins even. There was that one girl that became his friend solely because Hangyul punched the school vending machine for her when it wouldn’t give her the gummy bears she bought. 

All those faces were a blur to Yohan now. He didn’t even truly learn all of their names, but Hangyul knew each and every one, even seemingly remembering where they left off the last time they talked. Yohan thought Hangyul was some sort of magic.

God, even his family liked Hangyul. Well, he had expected it, but maybe not to the extent that they showed the first time he introduced Hangyul to them.

They have a Science project together one time, making a diorama of the Earth out of styrofoam and colored paper. Yohan had readily offered to make the project at his house, since he would be able to bring it safely to school when the deadline was due. 

On the way there, Hangyul practically dragged him into the nearest convenience store to buy banana milk and food they could snack on. They both pulled out their coin purses and counted the coins on the counter, not minding how bored the cashier was.

The first thing that welcomed them when they got to Yohan’s house were the curious eyes of Yohan’s sisters. They had never seen Hangyul before other than in their class photo, and they seemed to marvel at him. Hangyul had smiled at them warmly, petting their heads and giving them jelly cups. 

Yohan knew they were both going to be in love with Hangyul.

Hangyul went on ahead and greeted his parents, and Yohan saw his mom smile at the boy. Already had his sisters _and_ his mom on his side? Hangyul really was magic.

The project wasn’t all that complicated, but Yohan’s entire family offered to help anyways. His sisters kept refilling Hangyul’s bowl of mini cookies, while his dad cut up the pieces they needed to glue onto the styrofoam. Hangyul made easy conversation with them, talking about his own family and how he was doing at school.

Hangyul’s mom was a caregiver at the local orphanage, where she had chanced upon baby Hangyul. At that, something soft washed over all of their faces. Hangyul wasn’t in the least bit ashamed about it, and he was still so positive about the whole situation.

Hangyul did sports, and had fairly good grades. He loved his family and he loved being in the kitchen to watch how people cooked, soon learning a few things for himself. He was playful, and enthusiastically reacted to all the little toys Yohan’s sisters brought him.

He was respectful, humble, bright, and funny. It took the Kim parents exactly 2 minutes to decide that Hangyul will stay over for dinner. 

Yohan thought that they were so close to cooing over Hangyul.

Even when they presented their diorama a few days later, his toothy smile completely overriding the fact that their pieces were a little messily placed, Yohan knew that their Science teacher wouldn’t even dare give them a grade lower than an A.

And that’s the thing about Hangyul. Everyone likes him.

  
  


▷

Today, Hangyul gives absolutely no warning as he barges in on Yohan watching another drama on Netflix. Yohan has already gone through way too many kdramas that he’s already growing bored, having nothing else to watch. He knows Hangyul’s presence will be infinitely more interesting at this point.

Hangyul has brought beer and takeout, setting them down on Yohan’s coffee table. Yohan knows exactly why he did that, and he’s happy that Hangyul knows he isn’t sappy enough to want a cake.

It’s his birthday, but it’s pretty much like any other birthday he’s had. The first greetings were from his family of course, who’s asking him if he can come over for the weekend (he said yes, like he always does). He went to work, got greeted by a handful of his coworkers and his manager, and got a cupcake from the nice auntie that brings them food when they’re too busy working to go out. His phone pinged a couple dozen times today with birthday messages, and he’s yet to reply to some of them. 

And of course, Hangyul with his birthday dinner and birthday alcohol. They were probably just going to end up marathoning another series as they eat their chicken, and maybe pass out on Yohan’s carpet.

Just like any other birthday.

“Happy birthday dude,” Hangyul says to him, even though he’s already greeted him twice today. He takes out the boxes of food and opens them. “How you feeling today?”

Yohan gets up to get the whole box of paper towels, just in case they need them. “Good. I thought about sleeping right after work but I knew you were going to come over soon.”

Hangyul laughs at that, opening two beers for them. “Routine now, I guess.”

“You know we can always just go out.”

Hangyul eyes him, taking a sip of his beer. “I know you like this better.”

It’s true. Yohan has long left behind the stickiness of the bars around the area, as well as all those places that so much as hear the word “birthday” and come out with a whole production number of people to sing the birthday song to him. He doesn’t want to deal with that anymore, not at the ripe old age of 22.

He does like this better. It doesn’t give him a headache from the terrible music they play at bars, and he doesn’t feel guilty again about Hangyul having to drive him home and clean up his messes.

Even as Hangyul usually volunteers to clean up whatever mess they have in the morning anyways.

Yohan passes the remote over to Hangyul, who scrolls through all their available options. At this point, they’ve watched enough movies that it’s hard to even pick anything that they haven’t seen yet. 

Soon, he settles on something that they don’t pay much attention to, choosing to talk over the movie as they eat their food. 

As always, their conversation goes all sorts of ways. It starts with Yohan rambling about how his favorite bakery right across his office building has closed and how he can’t get their strawberry pastries anymore, and it shifts to how Hangyul swears he saw a dog dance by the Han river on his morning jog, and then going to how they both thought that old man in the apartment across Yohan’s is really just a figment of their imagination. 

Like this, it doesn’t even take long before they’ve gone through more than half of everything, and Yohan already feels himself start to get warm. Like this, it’s nice and comfortable, nothing pressuring at all. 

Yohan knows so much about Hangyul. He guesses that it comes from all the time they’ve spent together, but it’s also because Hangyul has always been unabashed about everything that he can’t really keep anything from Yohan.

It’s funny sometimes, because Hangyul doesn’t expect him to remember so much. Like, he’ll be surprised that Yohan hasn’t forgotten about the puppy he used to have, giving him a little keychain that looked like that puppy. Or, he’d be shocked to know that Yohan still knows the song he used to blast in that rundown car they used to take roadtrips with when they were still in college.

Hangyul is always surprised that Yohan keeps note of those little things, as if he doesn’t do the same to Yohan.

Although he doesn’t open up about absolutely everything, Yohan knows that Hangyul is the one who knows him the best. He’s been at his side for a decade, of course he would. 

He knows that Yohan is a giggly, clingy drunk that pouts when he doesn’t get enough attention. He knows that Yohan has a habit of sleeping with socks on, no matter the season, since his feet get cold. He knows that Yohan has been through so many questionable relationships and not-quite-relationships, and he knows Yohan’s type. He knows not to buy Yohan a cake for his birthday.

And, best of all, Hangyul knows when not to talk. For hours a day sometimes, Yohan will not hear a peep from Hangyul. It’s nice, a break from their bickering and all their stories.

Like now. It doesn’t feel awkward at this point, just them drinking and eating and trying to focus on the dialogue in the movie (and inevitably fail). No one really makes a move to start another conversation, and that’s perfectly fine.

It’s when they’re on their second box of chicken that Yohan notices Hangyul is fiddling with his phone. Hangyul is rarely, if ever, nervous about anything, and if he is, he’s always been pretty good at hiding it. 

“Hey,” Yohan says, tilting his head. “You okay there?”

Hangyul looks up at him, something in his eyes that Yohan can’t quite place. He’s never seen that before with Hangyul, not in all the times they’ve hung out, not even really when Hangyul talked to him about his crushes.

“It’s your birthday. I don’t wanna make this night about me, or anything.”

Yohan pouts, nudging him. “You know you can tell me.”

Chewing on his lip, Hangyul looks down at his phone for a moment. Yohan might have had too many beers already, but he thinks he sees Hangyul take a deep breath.

“I’m dating someone.”

  
  


◁◁

Five years ago, Hangyul was in love with Yohan.

Yohan didn’t expect that at all. He’d seen girls and guys alike fawn over his best friend, cheering for him excitedly whenever he would perform. The flirty little smiles they gave Hangyul at every party they went to or even just in the hallways, he’d seen Hangyul return them. All those love notes shoved in Hangyul’s locker, the gifts he would get on Valentine’s, Yohan had seen them all.

He couldn’t blame them. Hangyul was like an angel on earth, with a devilish smile that made the girls scream a little louder for him. Hangyul was the rare type of jock that you’d actually consider bringing home to your parents; he’s that nice. Dare he say, Hangyul was perfect.

But all that time, Hangyul didn’t really seem like he was particularly interested in a single person. He was alright with skinship, and he would often smile at people like they were his world, but to the best of Yohan’s knowledge, Hangyul didn’t really like anyone like _that_.

Which some people were understandably upset about. It wasn’t that Hangyul led them on willingly, it’s just that Hangyul has this way of being friendly that makes it seem a bit too close.

Yohan knows it’s just how the guy was. He was affectionate, caring, and not shy about giving love to people. Hangyul is open to giving hugs even if he doesn’t know a thing about the person. Hell, if you’d ask the guy to kiss, he’d most likely be down for it. Yohan can see how that can be easily misunderstood into something more, though, so he can’t blame them for that, either.

To be fair, Yohan wasn’t all that bad either. He didn’t get as many letters or gifts, but he can’t deny that he still gets quite a handful. Some people have even approached him before, asking if they can go out, and Yohan has always politely declined. 

Frankly, he just didn’t have time for that. Between training, competing, and his studies, he simply didn’t have anywhere to squeeze in anything else, romantic or otherwise.

Rejecting them outright meant that he didn't waste their time. It was best, and he lived by that. 

So Hangyul, perfect, loved-by-everyone Hangyul, was in love with him?

It seemed like one of those jokes Hangyul had always pulled.

It was Yohan’s birthday, he remembers clearly. Yohan’s mom had packed a whole extra lunch for Hangyul, and they ate at the bleachers by their field. Earlier that day, some classmates had already swamped Yohan, and he just wanted some peace and quiet that day.

“Do you have training today?” Hangyul asked, downing the noodles that Yohan’s mom prepared.

Yohan had hummed around his mouthful. “Gonna be done pretty late.”

Hangyul had nodded, putting down the lunchbox. “I’ll give you your gift later, okay? I forgot it at home.”

“Sure,” Yohan had replied, finishing his food.

Nothing could have really prepared him for the gift.

Hangyul had given him a bunny plushie, small enough that he could fit it in the bag he brings to competitions. It had a taekwondo uniform on, as well as a tiny gold medal. It was cute, and something Hangyul had heavily hinted at. Yohan was at least prepared for that.

But when he got home, he noticed the paper bag the bunny was in had something else. At the very bottom was an envelope, in a nice light blue.

Deciding that he should shower first before opening it, he left the letter on his bed. Coming back to it a little while later, Yohan didn’t know why it made him nervous. Hangyul wasn’t really fond of putting things into written words, so he didn’t expect the letter at all from his best friend.

Settling down into his bed, he took out the letter and started to read it.

_Happy birthday, dude!_

_You’re 17 now, can you believe it? You’re gonna be an adult next year! (Well, I will be too)_

_Did you like your gift? It’s you lol. I saw the bunny in one of those gift shops we always pass by but we don’t go into, and I thought it was perfect for you. The gold medal-winning bunny of my life, haha!_

Yohan had smiled at the words. Hangyul had written everything so carefully, in a nice pen. It was cute.

For a moment, he had glanced at the bunny that was already on his bed. He hadn't thanked Hangyul for the gift yet, and made a mental note to do that after reading. 

_Anyways, uh, maybe you’re wondering why I wrote a letter. Honestly, I thought about saying this to your face, but I don’t think I can._

Furrowing his brows, Yohan reads further.

_Yohan, promise me it won’t be weird after you’ve read this. You’re my best friend, and I don’t want it to ever be weird between us._

_I just. No, I really don’t know how to say it. I’m going to freak out. This is why I can’t tell you in person, even though I probably should have._

_Yohan, promise me okay? Right now, before you read anything more._

He remembers reaching out his fingers to touch at the words, reading over and over again. He hadn’t understood where it was leading to then.

_Yohan-ah. You don’t have to return it or anything okay? (Tell me if you won’t, I can take it) Just promise me it won’t be weird between us._

At that moment, Yohan almost stopped reading. Almost.

_Yohan-ah. I’m in love with you._

Yohan didn’t read much more after that.

Not the best thing to do, he admits to himself now. There wasn't much left to the letter anyways, and he could have read just until the end to maybe understand Hangyul more. Maybe, if he did, he would've known a better way to respond to it.

But Yohan's mind already blanked out at that point. The shock of the confession coupled with his almost-automatic response to situations like that battled with a heavy feeling right in the middle of his chest. It felt like guilt, something that came with every person he had to turn down (no matter how kindly he did it).

That time though, Yohan felt like somebody grabbed his stomach and _twisted_. 

He had looked at the time on his bedside clock. Hangyul would have been home by that time from his own practice. If he had decided to message him, he knew that Hangyul would have replied.

Should he message him? Yohan remembers thinking. He didn’t know what exactly he was feeling at the moment, everything swirling in him to the point that he didn’t feel well.

It wasn’t something he had expected in the slightest, but surely it would be cruel not to reply? Hangyul had tried his best with it, even with how bad he is with stuff like that. It was the least that Yohan could do.

The least he could do. Wow. Hangyul had just poured his heart out, and all he could do was the _least?_

But Hangyul was his best friend. It wasn’t that he didn’t love the guy, but he knew he wasn’t _in love_ with him. Wouldn’t telling him that break his heart?

It would. He had known that it would. 

Yohan had looked at the bunny again. It hurt. Hangyul didn't deserve the heartbreak, much less from his best friend. 

That night, Yohan let himself be overcome by his exhaustion and go with the first coherent response he could formulate. 

In retrospect, he really could’ve just slept it off that night.

Yohan had opened their messages on his phone, typing out his response. It had felt shitty, too impersonal, but his mind told him it was better than leading him on.

That was the best thing to do, right? 

**_[YOHANIE] 10:45PM_ **

**_Hangyul?_ ** **_  
_** **_I don’t know when you’ll see this. I just wanted you to know that I read the letter._ ** **_  
_** **_I wanted to say that I can’t return the feeling, I’m sorry._ ** **_  
_** **_But it won’t be weird between us, I promise._ **

Hangyul always said that it was better to just tell it straight to a person. Prolonging their pain wasn’t fair for both parties involved, so getting it over with would be best. Yohan had thought about how many times Hangyul may have already done that, for all those people that swoon over him.

Hangyul, with his heart that’s bigger than himself. Hangyul, who had been by his side for so long at that point.

Of all the things he could do, he didn’t want to be the one to break his best friend’s heart. However, as soon as he pressed send, he knew he did.

Yohan was half asleep when the reply came.

**_[HANGYULLIE] 11:32PM_ **

**_Oh, that’s okay! Expected it already lol. Anyways, goodnight Yohan!_ **

Yohan hated that Hangyul had seemed so casual about it, as if Yohan didn’t know that it hurt him.

  
  


▷

He slaps Hangyul lightly on the arm. “I can’t believe you’re just telling me this now!”

It hurt to not be updated about what was happening, but a part of him knew why there was hesitance on Hangyul’s part. No doubt, it would have been difficult to sneak this piece of information in during their regular conversations.

Truth is, they were both busy adults, and sometimes, you just don’t tell the people closest to you about everything, even your best friends.

The other man pouts, looking guilty. “Listen, I tried to, but I didn’t know how to say it.”

Yohan fixes him with a look. “You’re out here dating and I had no idea! That’s it, we’re getting more celebratory alcohol.”

Before Hangyul could even stop him, Yohan's already slid on his shoes and is shrugging on his coat. Yohan looks at him, urging him to hurry with his gaze, and Hangyul follows, stumbling over the carpet. 

They both know it's not the best idea for them to go out now, with them bordering on tipsy, walking through the busy streets. For a moment, Yohan thinks against it, but Hangyul is practically bounding out of the building, giggling. It might just be the alcohol in their system, but Yohan feels himself leaning into the feeling as well. 

It’s his birthday anyway. 

He has no idea how they get to the convenience store with seemingly no mishap. They push in, greeted by the soft tinkling of the door chime. There's pop music playing softly on the speakers, and there are a handful of students on the stools by the window, eating their bowls of instant ramen happily. 

As they split up, with Hangyul looking for snacks to accompany their drinks and Yohan going straight to the alcohol section, Yohan tries not to trip over his own footing.

This isn’t even close to how drunk he used to get, but he could still feel it swilling in his body. Quickly, he grabs a couple of bottles of soju and another six-pack of beer, putting them all into a basket. Hangyul finds him a few moments later, arms loaded with snacks.

Within minutes, they’ve paid for their purchase and are back out into the night. They argue about who will carry the heavier bag, and Hangyul manages to wrench it out of Yohan’s hands. Even though he doesn’t know why, Yohan smiles at that.

The early signs of fall are starting to show with how chilly it’s been getting, and Yohan thinks about how he should have gotten himself a scarf. Maybe it was the alcohol that warmed him up for a bit as they left, but he definitely feels the wind now.

As always, Hangyul notices, and directs them straight to Yohan’s apartment complex. Yohan wanted some more time out, watching as the lights from the streetlamps and the storefronts danced on both their forms. It was a nice night to just walk around, leaving behind whatever they have to think about for just a few more moments.

Back at Yohan’s door, he doesn’t even notice until Hangyul’s already unlocking it, pushing inside. Shuffling after him, Yohan enters his home as well.

While Hangyul is taking out the snacks, Yohan is opening a bottle of soju and grabbing the shot glasses from his cupboard. He pretends he doesn’t notice Hangyul looking at him.

“Are you really okay?” Hangyul asks, his voice tinged with genuine concern.

Yohan nods, humming. “Yeah, I am. Why?”

There’s a few beats of silence before Hangyul speaks up again. By this time, Yohan is back at the table, pouring out two shots. “You just seem a bit off.”

Waving his hand, Yohan answers, “Maybe it’s just the exhaustion.”

That seems to pacify Hangyul, as it always does. It has become a near-automatic response at this point, and Yohan is relieved that Hangyul never presses further.

Downing his shot, Yohan looks straight at Hangyul. “Okay. Time for you to tell me everything.”

Hangyul drinks his shot as well, smiling shyly. “Where do I even start?”

“How long has this been going on?” Yohan asks, surprised that it comes out sounding the slightest bit hurt. Why would he even be hurt?

Thankfully, Hangyul doesn’t seem to notice. “It’s been a few months since we met, but we’ve only really been dating for two weeks.”

Raising an eyebrow, Yohan opens one of the snack packets. “Oh, so you know them from work?”

Hangyul shakes his head, reaching over to take a handful of chips. “Not exactly. He’s a friend of Seungyoun’s.”

Seungyoun. Yohan hasn’t heard that name in a while.

He was their mutual friend, also from grade school. Seungyoun was a couple years older, but they still managed to become close. The guy had seen both Yohan and Hangyul grow up, and was often the guy that knocked some sense into them during those years.

After college though, it got increasingly difficult to keep up. Seungyoun was a famous music producer, and was often busy. Yohan and Hangyul both got their own jobs and their own lives. The distance was unavoidable, but every now and then, Seungyoun would send a greeting text.

The last one was at least a year ago.

“Seungyoun? Wow, I don’t even know the last time I saw him.”

Hangyul nods. “Yeah, it’s been what, over two years since we last actually saw him? But anyways, I met the guy I’m dating when I was at that company Seungyoun works for. He had just finished taping for something when we met at that little cafe in the building, you know the one.”

Yohan nudges at Hangyul with his socked foot. “What’s his name and what happened on that first meeting?”

The smile on Hangyul’s face is soft. “His name is Wooseok and that first meeting was a little surreal, to be honest.”

Quietly, Yohan listens to his best friend retell the story of how he met Wooseok on that fateful day. It’s not even as wild as Yohan thought it would be, but Hangyul is very clearly excited about talking about it.

“We were just talking about how we were both excited about what Seungyoun was coming up with for a new album and then the next thing I knew, we were sitting by the window with coffees and a hundred other stories to tell.”

Yohan smiles at that. The whole thing sounds _exactly_ like how Hangyul had started talking to some of the other people he dated. It was absolutely on brand for him.

“It lasted _hours,_ and I wasn’t even in the slightest bit aware. You know that feeling right? When being with somebody makes every other thing melt away.”

Nodding, Yohan offers another smile. “So you liked him right away.”

Ever so slightly, the tips of Hangyul’s ears turn pink. He tries to downplay it with a short laugh. “You know how I am.”

Yeah, Yohan knows exactly how he is. Lee Hangyul took all of 5 minutes to decide he likes someone. It’s just the way he is, and it’s how the guy got all his friends. 

However, he also knows that Hangyul needed some time to really get to know the person before he _likes_ them. Yohan respects that. It’s difficult to get invested in someone just to learn that they weren’t exactly the person that you’d want in your life, or worse, that they were just inexcusably shitty. Hangyul was careful, and he appreciates that.

Yohan thinks about how Hangyul had said before that it was to make sure he didn’t get hurt.

“What happened after?” he asks, pouring out two more shots.

Taking a deep breath, Hangyul slumps a little, looking like he was reminiscing. “Well, I walked him to the bus stop, and we exchanged numbers. I knew we both had interest in each other, but I also sensed that he was in no hurry or anything. I thought, hey, maybe we’re alike in that sense. Friends first, then we move on from that.”

Yohan bites back his remark on how that hasn’t always worked out.

“It was actually really fun, those months. We just really vibed, you know? Like, he’d laugh at my shitty jokes and I thought he was just doing it to be nice, but guess what? He also made shitty jokes!” Hangyul shakes his head in what seems like disbelief. “And then I just found myself praying to every god out there to let me have this man.”

That makes Yohan laugh. His best friend really was enamoured with this guy.

“I was super comfortable with him, and that matters so much, right? God, it felt like finding someone who I could feel at home with.”

Hangyul must catch something on Yohan’s face that makes him say, “Hey, don’t worry. You’re still my best friend!”

Yohan chuckles, throwing a handful of chips at Hangyul. “I didn’t even say anything!”

An eyebrow raises at him, but Hangyul says nothing more about it. “And yeah, that’s how it got to us deciding that we could take it a step further.”

“Which one of you asked?”

Hangyul smiles as he recalls. “He did, actually. Not gonna lie, it was so random. He showed up at work when we were closing up and told me we were going somewhere.”

Before Yohan could even respond, Hangyul continues. “Okay, it was a bit weird. I was wondering why it was all so sudden and why on a damn Tuesday of all days, but I just went with it.”

There’s something like fondness in Hangyul’s voice when he goes on. “He took me to this nearby arcade. Not what I was expecting at all, but I wasn’t complaining either. Wooseok seemed so shy about it, so I went in without hesitation.”

Yohan knows the arcade, just a few minutes away from Hangyul’s workplace. It was small, a little old-fashioned, but it had always looked fun from the outside. The place seemed like the type of thing that Hangyul enjoys, so kudos to Wooseok for that.

“That night was the most fun I had on a date. Wooseok was absolutely the most competitive person out there when it comes to arcade games, and we just laughed the entire time.”

That makes Yohan genuinely happy. Hangyul deserves that happiness, especially in a relationship.

“We actually didn’t say it was a date, but we both knew it was. We both went home after grabbing some fast food once we were done with the games, and it just started there, I guess.”

Reaching over, Yohan pats his knee. “I’m happy for you, Hangyul.”

He means every bit of it. Yohan doesn’t even remember the last time he’s seen Hangyul seem so genuinely excited about his dating life, and it’s such a nice change.

Hangyul grins, lifting his shot glass. “Here’s to you, birthday boy, for being the bestest friend I could ever have.”

Yohan clinks his own glass against his. “And here’s to you, who’s going to be the best boyfriend for Wooseok.”

They drink, letting the alcohol give them that pleasant burn.

Later that night, right before passing out, Hangyul promises to introduce Wooseok to him soon.

◁◁

Some time ago, right before an important competition, Yohan was at that exact same convenience store. It has barely changed since, with its faulty lighting and the yellowing walls. When he entered it, he remembers thinking that it was too quiet for the hour, but that barely mattered to him at the time. 

Almost automatically, his feet had brought him to the snack section, where he picked out stuff without another thought. Once he had a handful, he paid for them, exiting the store right after.

Yohan wasn’t aware at what point he arrived at his own home, swinging the plastic bag of snacks in his hand. He was lucky that his father wasn’t at home and didn’t see, but he still hurried to his own bedroom to eat in peace.

Emptying the contents of the bag on his bed, Yohan tried to fight down the churning in his stomach. He didn’t even want to think about why he was uneasy.

Within a few moments, he had settled in, opening a packet. He shoved a few pieces of the snack into his mouth, not even registering what they tasted like.

It was only after he had finished the first packet when he dared to let himself think. Taking a deep breath, Yohan looked around his room.

Nothing about it was different. The walls were the same blue so pale it was almost white, covered with his certificates and his framed photos. A shelf full of his school books and a handful of other books was in a corner, by his study desk. There were some of the plushies he’s had forever, either on the shelf or at the foot of his bed. His uniform hung by the door, ready for the next day.

The next day, he was leaving early in the morning to get to the venue in time. He was going to compete in a competition that would determine if he was going to be in the Nationals team, and he really should’ve been nervous.

Instead, Yohan was on his bed, scarfing down snacks from the convenience store, staring blankly at his uniform.

And, even though he didn’t admit it to himself that time, he missed seeing Hangyul on the other side of the bed, saying he’ll do great, as always.

By that time, he hadn’t talked to Hangyul in three weeks. Yohan had avoided him at every chance possible, from switching seats with a classmate he barely even knew to disappearing during lunch, saying he had stuff to take care of. It hadn’t taken more than two days for Hangyul to back off, not asking anything about why Yohan was suddenly so evasive.

His texts had also stopped. Yohan remembers thinking again and again that he should apologize, say that it’s absolutely his own fault that he’s been acting weird, and that he just needed time. He remembers staring at the last exchange they had, wishing that it wasn’t.

**_[HANGYULLIE] 5:20PM_ **

**_Hey, is everything okay?_ ** **_  
_** **_Can I come over?_ **

**_[YOHANIE] 5:21PM_ **

**_It’s not a great time rn, sorry._ **

Hangyul had always been perceptive, that much he knew. The slightest change, and he’d notice. No doubt, he had noticed that Yohan didn’t want to be with him.

It really wasn’t his fault, and Yohan was just afraid that if he tried to tell him, it might come out all wrong. Yohan didn’t want to hurt him more than he already did, but it sure felt like he was doing exactly that.

That day, with Yohan sitting on his bed eating the snacks they both used to buy whenever they passed the convenience store, Yohan just wanted to have him there again. Hangyul had always wished him luck before all his competitions, even treating him to something sweet (even if Yohan wasn’t really allowed) just so he would be happy.

On most of the competitions held within his district, Hangyul would try to watch, cheering him on. Afterwards, he’d always take a photo with Yohan, their parents whipping out cameras and snapping several shots of them, with Hangyul holding the gold medal slung around Yohan’s neck. It was tradition at that point, and one of the things that Yohan had looked forward to after his competitions.

When Hangyul couldn’t be there in person, Yohan would bring his medal to him when they met again in their classes, and Hangyul would always have the proudest smile on his face. It didn’t even matter what color the medal was, Hangyul would always be proud.

Then, he didn’t have Hangyul. He looked over at the bunny sitting on his bed, by the pillow where he rests his head. Gold medal-winning bunny. Gently, Yohan had run his hand over the plushie, his fingers hesitating on the medal.

That night, Yohan didn’t expect any form of “good luck” message at all. He had wished that Hangyul forgot about it somehow, even though the thought stung.

It’s only after he went home the next day, bronze medal in his bag, that he thought to check his messages. There, sent only a few hours before the competition started, was a text.

**_[HANGYULLIE] 8:15AM_ **

**_Good luck! I’m so proud of you, okay?_ **

Hangyul, who never missed a single competition, of course. Of course he wouldn’t forget.

  
  


▷

It doesn’t take long for that “soon” to come.

On a morning where Hangyul is miraculously not in his apartment, Yohan gets a text as he pours himself a bowl of cereal.

**_[HANGYUL] 9:20AM_ **

**_Heyyy_ ** **_  
_** **_Wooseok wants to meet you!_ ** **_  
_** **_Is today fine?_ **

Yohan knows that he doesn’t have anything to do today, so he responds almost immediately.

**_[YOHAN] 9:21AM_ **

**_Sure_ ** **_  
_** **_Where?_ **

By the time that Yohan’s sat down at his kitchen counter, a spoonful of cereal already in his mouth, Hangyul texts him the name of the cafe a few minutes away. Yohan knows the place well, having spent many meetings and catching-up sessions there.

If he were going to be honest, Yohan didn’t know how to feel about meeting Wooseok. This is the first time Hangyul has actually introduced someone he’s dating to him, on account that the other ones weren’t really people that Yohan would get along with (and soon, Hangyul didn’t get along with them either). 

He’s not sure what he was going to say exactly, and how he was supposed to be around Wooseok. Yohan knows that Wooseok is most likely the nicest out of them all, if Hangyul is willing to introduce him to Yohan. Other than that though, he has no idea how the whole thing is going to go down.

Yohan tried not to seem nervous about it as Hangyul talked about it to him the past few weeks. Hangyul kept saying that they’d get along pretty well, and he sounded so excited that Yohan couldn’t bear to say that they can’t be sure about that. There was only the handful of info that Hangyul gave that Yohan could use to make out how Wooseok was as a person, and not much more.

To his credit, Yohan tried not to look him up on social media, even though he was ridiculously tempted. It had never been a habit of his anyways, but he was genuinely curious about this one. In the end, he decided not to, since he knew that it would be better to see Wooseok as he is in real life, not whatever image he has on his social media.

He regrets not doing it though, when he realizes he really barely knows anything about the guy as he’s walking to the cafe. Not that Hangyul hasn’t talked about him to Yohan, just that Yohan really hasn’t been paying much attention recently, even though he tries.

Every now and then, Hangyul would send him photos of them, though, something that he didn’t do with the other ones. Yohan has started to think that Wooseok may just become the love of Hangyul’s life at this point. He scrolls through them, their smushed-together faces and Hangyul’s smile evident in both of them. Even as Wooseok doesn’t seem to smile all that much, he looks happy as well.

It’s honestly the cutest thing Yohan has seen, and the pictures warm his heart. Hangyul seems to have finally found the one for him.

On the way to the cafe, Yohan slows down by some shop windows, checking his outfit. He’s dressed as casually as he can allow himself to be, just jeans, a nice shirt, and an oversized jacket. It doesn’t look like he had to go through five different outfits before he settled on something more on the lowkey side. He hopes it’s okay.

Yohan enters the cafe, eyes scanning the crowd for a familiar head. There’s a considerable amount of people, since it’s a weekend and nearing dusk already.

As he almost whips out his phone to ask Hangyul where they were, he hears his name being called. Yohan turns his head to see Hangyul waving him over from one of the couches, his entire face lighting up.

Before Yohan could even manage to walk over to where they’re seated, Hangyul stands up, going over to him and enveloping him in a hug. It catches Yohan off guard a little, since it’s been a while since Hangyul has hugged him. Hangyul has always been rather clingy, but this was something that he hadn’t been doing, for some reason.

Slowly, Yohan hugs him back, burrowing a little into Hangyul’s warmth. It’s familiar, with the scent of Hangyul’s bodywash filling his lungs. For a moment, Yohan forgets where they are.

When they break away, the look on Hangyul’s face is giddy. He leads Yohan over to where he had been seated earlier, and Wooseok looks up at him.

Wooseok looks better in real life, that much Yohan can say. His features are delicate, one might even say _pretty_ , and Yohan immediately knows that he could capture anyone’s attention easily. There’s a soft greeting from him, which Yohan returns. A small smile spreads across his features, and Yohan swears it’s like looking at an angel.

Yohan takes the seat across from him, trying to think of something to say. He watches as Hangyul sits down next to Wooseok, bumping shoulders with him gently. _Cute._ They look so cute together.

“Did you walk here?” Wooseok asks him, noting how he’s a bit out of breath. The way he asks is a little awkward, but his voice is so nice to listen to.

Yohan nods. “Yeah, I live nearby so.” Out of habit, Yohan looks around the cafe, taking it in even though he’s been here countless times.

He’s nervous, but he does his best to push it down. This matters so much to Hangyul, and he doesn’t want to blow it. Now, he just needs to think of how to start a conversation with Wooseok.

When the silence stretches on, Hangyul bounds up, asking, “Hey, maybe we should order?”

Both Yohan and Wooseok look up, nodding. Hangyul asks Wooseok’s order as Yohan stands up, maneuvering out of his seat to go to the counter.

Hangyul meets him there, nudging him playfully. Yohan is still reading the menu when Hangyul pipes up. “So, what do you think about him?”

His eyes land on an item he hasn’t tried before, and Yohan decides he will today. “I like him. You know I don’t have much to say right now since we’ve known each other for like, five minutes.”

Chuckling beside him, Hangyul says reassuringly, “You’ll like him more in a bit, I promise.”

Yohan believes that.

Once they’re back in their seats, Wooseok looks up from where he’s been typing at his phone. Gingerly, he sets it down on the coffee table between them, turning his full attention on Yohan.

“So, Yohan,” he begins, and Yohan thinks he has the most soothing voice he’s ever heard. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

Yohan flashes a look at Hangyul, who raises his hands in innocence. “I hope they’re good things,” Yohan says, half chuckling.

Wooseok laughs, soft. “Of course! I’m happy to finally be able to meet Hangyul’s partner-in-crime.”

There’s no way Hangyul hasn’t told Wooseok even just one embarrassing anecdote, but Yohan just nods. He feels his hands fumble together. “I think I should be the one that’s happy to meet you. Hangyul talks about you like you’re the love of his life.”

This startles another laugh out of Wooseok, a little louder this time. Momentarily, Yohan notes that the tips of Hangyul’s ears have turned red. “Glad to know that.”

A server comes by with their orders, setting them down gently. It looks like Yohan and Wooseok has ordered the same thing, both of them remarking on it.

Wooseok is nice, definitely. Yohan doesn’t think he needs much more convincing.

“How about you, what do you think of Hangyul?” Wooseok asks once he’s practically halfway through his drink.

Hangyul immediately shoots a look in Yohan’s direction, wordlessly telling him to be careful. It makes Yohan grin.

“Oh, he’s great. He’s very supportive and caring,” Yohan says, and Hangyul narrows his eyes at him jokingly. 

Wooseok’s eyebrows go up. “Happy to hear that! I guess I should’ve known the moment I heard him talk so passionately about Seungyoun’s work.”

The conversation steers into the album that Seungyoun had been working on, and then to the music they usually listened to. Surprisingly, Wooseok had a lot of favorite artists in common with Yohan.

It’s not so bad, talking to Wooseok. He’s able to keep a conversation going effortlessly, and Hangyul has to order another round of coffees for them at some point. Yohan can see how easy it would have been for Hangyul to be carried away enough to talk to him until very late at night.

After some time, Wooseok excuses himself to go to the comfort room. Hangyul sits down next to Yohan, bumping him playfully.

“So?” he asks, expectantly. Hangyul steals a bite of Yohan’s blueberry muffin, looking at Yohan with those wide eyes.

“So,” Yohan echoes, taking off his jacket. It’s warmer in the coffee shop than he anticipated. “It’s confirmed. I like your boyfriend, Hangyul.”

Hangyul beams at him. He takes Yohan’s jacket, sliding into it with ease. Yohan rolls his eyes at that, knowing that he’ll probably get the jacket back next week.

“Thank you. I mean it,” Hangyul says softly, looking at nothing in particular. “I really like him too.”

Yohan slaps him lightly on the arm. “Hey. Hold on to him, okay? He’s a good one.”

He means every last word of it. Wooseok has been able to make Hangyul smile and laugh so much in the time that they were there in the cafe, and it warmed his heart. Hangyul deserves that, all of it. He watches as Hangyul nods silently, before going back to his original seat. 

Soon enough, Wooseok comes back, and it’s Hangyul’s turn to go to the comfort room. For a bit, Wooseok only quietly sips at his coffee, smiling at Yohan every now and then.

He speaks up, putting down his coffee. “Do you...do you think we’re going too fast?”

The question takes Yohan by surprise. It never occurred to him that Wooseok would still have doubts like that, already a month into their relationship. He supposes it was wrong to assume that anyways, since people are allowed to have doubts, no matter how perfect the relationship seemed.

Taking a deep breath, Yohan opens his mouth to answer, hoping he says it right. “It’s...it’s faster than some of his other ones.”

Wooseok nods, his eyes glancing over at the direction that Hangyul had gone.

“Is that bad?” His voice sounds genuinely concerned, and it tugs at something in Yohan.

Yohan leans in a bit. “I honestly don’t know.” His gaze focuses on something far away for a moment before going back to Wooseok’s. “Just be careful, is all I can say. He’s not used to it, but he can adjust easily, I’m sure.”

This seems to comfort Wooseok, even in the slightest, and he leans back into the plush sofa. He looks at Yohan with his warm brown eyes, and Yohan is momentarily nervous again about what he has to say.

Wooseok then casts his glance down, watching his own fingers trace patterns into the seat. “I’m just scared to fuck it up, you know?”

Yohan nods, understanding what he means. Hangyul has had some not-so-great relationships in the past, and he doesn’t doubt that Wooseok would want to be the one to break that streak.

“This isn’t comforting, but I really can’t say that you won’t.” Yohan sees Wooseok nod, eyes still on his hand. “But I trust you. I know that you’ll do what you can.”

There’s a reply on Wooseok’s lips but he’s cut off by the arrival of Hangyul, who’s still in his jacket, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. “Hey,” he says, sliding in next to Wooseok. “What did I miss?”

Wooseok turns to him, smiling. “Just trying to get to know each other, is all.”

It’s obvious how much Wooseok relaxes around Hangyul. Yohan guesses it’s really just a thing about Hangyul. He makes people feel comfortable with him, no matter who it is.

For the rest of the evening, he watches as Hangyul cuddles up to Wooseok on the couch, and he doesn’t really mind at all that he feels like he’s third wheeling. Wooseok starts their conversation easily, and time melts away. It’s not that difficult to ignore how Hangyul’s snuggling into his jacket as more time passes.

Not that difficult at all.

Wooseok has to leave early, saying that he has some home matters to attend to. Hangyul insists that he can take Wooseok home, but Wooseok urges him to stay and talk to Yohan for a bit more. They hug, Wooseok planting a smooch on Hangyul’s cheek before saying goodbye to Yohan.

And now, Yohan is alone with Hangyul in a packed coffee shop, with his jacket still on Hangyul and all their coffee cups empty.

Hangyul moves to get them water but Yohan waves him over, patting the seat beside him. Nodding, Hangyul sits beside him, their knees touching.

“Are you okay?” Hangyul asks, trying to decipher Yohan’s expression.

Slowly, Yohan nods. “Yeah. Just. It’s been a lot of social interaction for today.”

Hangyul hums, patting his knee. “Come on. I’ll walk you home.”

They get up, collecting their cups and dishes on a tray before leaving. When they go out into the chilly night, Yohan realizes he has no idea what time it is.

Both walk in silence to Yohan’s apartment complex, only broken by Hangyul’s gentle humming. Yohan knows that maybe he should get his jacket back, since the wind is starting to prickle at his skin, but he thinks it looks better on Hangyul anyways.

Hangyul walks Yohan right up to his apartment door, because of course, he’s Lee Hangyul, Yohan’s bestest friend.

They say goodnight in the way they always have, a short but familiar “I’ll see you.”

Yohan forgets to ask for his jacket back.

◁◁

Yohan wants to think that he’s not an asshole, but he knows full well he’d been one. 

Prime example: He didn’t say “good luck” to Hangyul right before an important competition.

It was a few weeks after his competition, and he still hadn’t said a word to Hangyul. The guilt ate at him, becoming worse whenever Hangyul looked at his direction with what seemed like hope in his eyes. 

What he did at that time wasn’t at all fair, and even his friends chided him about it.

“Honestly, what the fuck, Yohan?” Seungwoo had asked him at some point, his chopsticks clattering as he placed them into his bowl a little forcefully.

Yohan had picked at his food listlessly for a moment. “What, hyung? Do you want to tell me how I’ve fucked it all up?”

At that point, he had already heard plenty from Seungyoun. It didn’t help at all that his own family asked about Hangyul so much after the boy didn’t come over anymore. He was just over all the questions.

“Yes,” Seungwoo had replied, his voice the type of quiet that Yohan doesn’t like. “Why are you ignoring him?”

Setting down his own chopsticks, Yohan had taken a deep breath. “Am I not allowed to make my own decisions?”

“Not when you hurt someone in the process.”

Yohan had rubbed at his temples, looking up at Seungwoo. The senior didn’t get mad often, but when he did, it was near terrifying.

“Look, I just need some space, okay? I don’t like doing it either, but I need to sort myself out before I really hurt him.”

Seungwoo had stared at him for several moments, saying nothing. It had seemed like he was trying to think of how not to punch Yohan in the face. Instead, he had just pinched the bridge of his nose, undoubtedly fighting off a headache.

“At least don’t shut him out like this! It’s not fair on him that he doesn’t even know what he did for you to just not talk to him out of the blue.”

Yohan had felt a prickling at his chest. “I don’t know what to say anymore. I don’t even know if he can forgive me after this.”

Okay, at that very moment, Seungwoo really had looked like he was ready to smack Yohan across the face. “And yet you haven’t asked him yet. Before you assume stuff like that, why don’t you talk to him?”

There were several beats of silence before Yohan even dared to respond. Seungwoo had been right. He was a coward for not talking to his best friend of five years, over a confession that really shouldn’t have ruined their friendship. It was all so stupid.

“I don’t know,” is all he had been able to say. Seungwoo’s gaze had bored holes into his head, but he didn’t have the energy to argue any further.

Seungwoo was quiet the next few moments, and Yohan remembers wishing that he had just yelled at him. It would have been so much better.

“Listen,” Seungwoo finally said after a while, his voice exhausted. “The boy didn’t even _require_ you to like him back. He didn’t even pressure you to do anything about it, just be clear with him and keep being friends with him even if you didn’t like him back. And you _promised_ you would be. Why are you like this now?”

Yohan didn’t have an answer to that. Maybe he had been afraid, maybe he just didn’t want to know how much worse it would be for Hangyul to be in love with his own best friend who didn’t love him back.

After a while, Seungwoo had stood up, stacking his plates and utensils neatly on the tray. Yohan had watched him blankly.

“At least remember that he has that dance competition coming up. You know how much that matters to him. Don’t forget about it or I _will_ literally smack some sense into you.”

Yohan had nodded numbly, letting Seungwoo leave. 

Once he had gone, Yohan had thought to himself, _I’ll never forget._

And he didn’t.

It was the day before the competition, and Yohan had immediately noted that Hangyul was nervous. He was quiet in their classes, even more so than how he had been recently, and it worried a good number of people. Even though Yohan had tried to avoid looking his way, he always noticed how people came around Hangyul’s seat to ask if he was okay.

Of course Hangyul would be nervous. The competition was the biggest one he had been in, and he had been training less than a year. Nervous might have probably been an understatement.

Yohan saw it even more when he had sat on the bleachers they used to eat at, watching quietly as Hangyul’s familiar form weaved through the hallway crowd like he was hurrying to get somewhere else. It wasn’t like him at all, and it had worried Yohan. 

On a spur of the moment decision, Yohan went to their practice room. It wasn’t too far from the field anyways, and he just wanted to see if Hangyul was okay.

Reaching it, Yohan had hesitated. He didn’t even know if Hangyul was there in the first place, but he had known that it was likely.

For a moment, Yohan had thought about asking around first if they’ve seen Hangyul. Before he could, though, the door to the practice room had opened, making Yohan;s heart jump into his throat.

Out came someone Yohan vaguely recognized, but couldn’t remember the name of. He must’ve been gaping at him for a bit, unable to say anything, when the boy had spoken up.

“Are you here for Hangyul?” he had asked simply. Yohan had noticed how he didn’t open the door all the way.

“Yes,” Yohan had replied, all too quiet.

The boy shook his head. “He’s not here.”

Yohan had the slightest inkling that it wasn’t the truth, but he didn’t comment on it. He had thought of giving a message to the boy instead, to relay to Hangyul.

The words had died in his throat.

So, all he had said was, “Oh, thank you. I’ll go.”

Yohan had turned his heel and walked away, looking back only when he knew the door closed behind the boy again.

That night, Yohan just put down his phone in front of him, staring at it. He had wanted to call, text, _anything_.

He did none of those. What he did do, though, was open his Twitter.

In all honesty, he didn’t even like it, never did. It was just there to occasionally post pictures on, maybe look at how some of his friends felt for the day. Yohan didn’t get too invested in it.

Soon, he realized that it wasn’t the best idea.

The very first tweet his eyes had landed on was Hangyul’s, and it made his heart drop.

 **gyul (@gyullie1207)** **  
****i’m crying i’m sorry i don’t think i’ll do well i’m sorry**

There were so many replies to it already, and Yohan immediately wanted to reply as well. But he held back, for some reason. He hates that he held back, then.

It had hurt to see Hangyul breakdown and he couldn’t do anything about it. Yohan had desperately wanted to reach out, to reassure him and tell him that he’ll be the best out there. He had always done that in the past. 

But with the rift he caused, the pain he gave Hangyul, he had thought that it was best that he didn’t. He had done enough, he wasn’t just going to waltz into Hangyul’s life when he was at his most vulnerable.

And knowing him, Yohan knew that telling him “good luck” when he was anxious was never the best idea.

So he didn’t.

Yohan had read his succeeding tweets, tearing up at how much Hangyul was fighting with himself despite all the words of encouragement sent his way. He didn’t want to intrude, or make Hangyul feel like he was just taking pity on him somehow. Hangyul didn’t deserve that from him.

After a while, Hangyul had calmed down, but the quiet on his Twitter was terrifying to Yohan. He had no idea what was happening, and how Hangyul was dealing. All he could hope for was that someone, maybe Seungwoo or Seungyoun, was talking to him, helping him get through it.

Yohan didn’t want to think about how he used to be the one to do that.

Just as he was about to fall asleep, he sees one more tweet from Hangyul, which disappears so quickly after he’s read he’s not sure if it was ever real.

 **gyul (@gyullie1207)** **  
****i wish i had my best friend back**

For months after that, Yohan had wished he hadn’t seen anything at all.

He realized he was even more of an asshole when Hangyul came to school the day after the competition, obviously distraught but holding it in. Yohan knew that Hangyul never wanted anyone to see him cry, but he had been on the verge of it when he entered their classroom. 

No words needed to be said. Yohan had instantly known what that look meant, and he knew he felt a part of him shatter at the thought.

Hangyul, who’d worked so hard for it. Hangyul, who looked like he really didn’t want to go to class that day. Tears had prickled at the corners of Yohan’s eyes.

A classmate, Yuvin, had immediately gone to Hangyul, hugging him wordlessly. Hangyul had let himself be held, his eyes looking blankly up at the ceiling.

That had been the first time Yohan had seen Hangyul look dead to the world. It had been so unnerving to see when all everyone (especially Yohan) has ever known was his bright smile and his overall sunny aura. Even in the bleariest of days, Hangyul had been their sun.

There was nothing more that Yohan had wanted to do than to slide into the seat beside him and hold his hand, like he always used to do. Hangyul would rest his head on his shoulder, closing his eyes for a bit as they waited for their teacher to come.

But Yohan didn’t do that. He sat in his chair and tried not to look at Hangyul being the most down he had ever seen him, trying to fight back his own tears that were welling in his eyes.

When lunch break came that day, Hangyul had looked up when Yohan passed him to go out of the room. Yohan had held that gaze for what felt like a second too long, and he turned away.

The look in Hangyul’s eyes had been enough to break his own heart, and he never really said anything about it.

  
  


▷

“Hey,” Yohan says, gently nudging Hangyul with his foot. “You’re so quiet today.”

Hangyul looks up at him, offers a weak smile. “Just tired. You know work gets hectic around this time.”

Slowly, Yohan nods. He knows all too well that December is the busiest time of year for most people. His own office was a mess with all the people trying to get everything done on time. Yohan can’t even begin to imagine the amount of stuff that Hangyul has to do.

Hangyul is a choreographer, working with several different studios and companies. Mostly, he was assigned with the younger dancers since he has a way of making them feel relaxed and comfortable with him, but he did work with many of the senior dancers as well. December is usually the busiest time of the year for him, as he works with several groups to produce choreographies for their end-of-year performances.

Which is why Hangyul has several strips of Salonpas peeking from under his huge sweater. Yohan guesses he has several on his legs as well.

But Hangyul’s exhaustion doesn’t seem like it’s from work alone. Nevertheless, Yohan doesn’t prod.

He only quietly sips at his coffee, looking around at the new cafe they decided to try. It’s a lot more compact and intimate than their usual, with warm colored walls and plants in every available space. Yohan has had to swat the leaves away when they get into his hair and face.

It’s the day after Hangyul’s birthday, and they’re only “celebrating” it now. While it’s definitely different from what they usually do on birthdays, it’s not that bad either. 

Now that he thinks about it, it’s a lot like how they are, usually. Just quiet, with a few stories here and there as they sip on whatever they’re drinking. Feels organic, really.

After a while, Hangyul gets up from his seat across Yohan and squeezes himself into the too-small-to-be-a-loveseat sofa chair that Yohan’s in. Somehow, it works, but it takes some shifting around. Yohan giggles at their efforts, not doubting that the lone server is looking at them.

They look like a bunch of idiots just smushed together into a seat that really wasn’t meant for two, but Yohan doesn’t care. Hangyul is nice and warm against him, snuggling into his side like a little puppy. It makes Yohan think that Hangyul never really aged past 12 years old.

“Hey,” he says again, softly. He feels Hangyul burrow in further, like he wants to bury himself in Yohan’s knit sweater. 

“Hey,” he hears Hangyul mumble back, his voice sending a vibration through his skin. Casually, Hangyul paws at him to give him his hand to hold. Yohan obliges him, as he always does.

This was something they did often, without much of a second thought to it. Hangyul was clingier than most, and Yohan always allowed him. They had an unspoken agreement about it already; if Hangyul wanted to hold hands or to cuddle, he was free to do so without asking. It was how it was.

With his free hand, Yohan brings his cup of coffee to his lips, taking in a few sips. The coffee here is pretty good, and he’d consider going back every now and then. Here, it’s definitely quieter than some of the other coffee shops in the area, so he might be able to get some stuff done during his free time.

Hangyul tries to reach for his own cup, but can’t due to his position. Laughing, Yohan puts down his own cup to scoot Hangyul’s closer to him, even lifting it for his best friend to take.

“Thank you,” Hangyul tells him, and Yohan feels that it’s not just for bringing him his cup.

Yohan pats his head gently. “No prob,” he says. He’s not sure yet if he can get Hangyul to talk a little more so he can understand what’s going on, but he doesn’t want to pressure him into talking either.

There’s silence between them for a long while, just their breathing and the soft music over the speakers being the only sounds they can hear. Yohan thinks of how being like this feels so natural at this point, even though it took some time.

In the past few months, Yohan has gotten used to silence like that. On most mornings, Hangyul doesn’t come over anymore. Not that Yohan really expects him to anymore, what with Hangyul most probably being with Wooseok in the mornings. He notices though, with the lack of sounds of cooking coming from that kitchen he doesn’t really use.

Most of his days now are quiet, no Hangyul to burst into his apartment and get him to eat or get out of his place for more than 5 minutes. No more Hangyul to force groceries into his hands, knowing that Yohan would inevitably forget to buy the stuff that he needed. It took a bit to get used to it, but Yohan adjusted accordingly.

Even during the rare times they got a few minutes to spare to talk, it was just like this, with them nestling into each other without another word. They’ve done this before, of course, all those times that they weren’t really all that quiet. It was never quite like how it was recently.

Yohan had tried to ask, but Hangyul wasn’t going to give him clear answers. That was okay for now, Yohan thought. Hangyul just needed time and space for now, and Yohan was willing to give it. When he was ready, he knew Hangyul would talk about it, whatever _it_ was.

Despite that, he could see that Hangyul genuinely tried to be as bright and attentive as he usually was. Yohan had already told him that he didn’t need to be that every single waking moment of his life, but Hangyul would not give. He was stubborn that way, as if looking happy all the time was the only thing he was sure he can do.

Hangyul is the first to break the silence. “I don’t really know what to say now.” Yohan notes the tiniest wobble in his voice, but pretends he doesn’t.

“You don’t have to say anything, you know.”

He feels Hangyul nod against him. “I just...feel like it would be better if I talk it out.”

They’ve long agreed that talking it out would be very helpful for the both of them, especially if the problem was between the two of them. Both of them were aware that their miscommunications did more harm than good, and they both genuinely wanted to be able to help each other. With that, they had to make the conscious effort to open up when they were ready, so that they could help each other, or at the very least, get stuff off of their chest.

But another unspoken rule about that was that they would always wait until the other was willing, even if it took long.

“It would be,” Yohan says, patting Hangyul’s head again. “Don’t force yourself though. I’ll be here when you decide to talk about whatever it is.”

Hangyul shifts, resting his chin on Yohan’s shoulder to look up at him. Yohan turns his head a bit to look at him, and Hangyul gives him a sad smile. He mouths a “thank you” at Yohan before snuggling into his side again.

It would be nice to think that they could stay like this for a while. Yohan has a handful of errands to run, all of them already listed down and on his refrigerator door so he could see them. There were stuff he had to attend to, and he’s sure that Hangyul does too.

But neither of them make a move to finish up. Not that Yohan minds. For all he cares, they could stay here until they were shooed away by the servers.

It’s the day after Hangyul’s birthday, and Yohan isn’t sure he remembers him being this quiet before. 

Not that he minds. He’ll stay with him for however long he needs, and even after that.

Yohan doesn’t ask what happened on his birthday. He doesn’t ask why Hangyul has stopped sending him pictures of him and Wooseok. He doesn’t ask anything at all, just letting Hangyul hold his hand as tightly as he needs to.

After all, that’s what best friends do.

  
  


◁◁

**_[YOHANIE] 3:43PM_ **

**_Hey, are u busy?_ **

Yohan was all too aware that it sounded like those texts his friends sent to girls when they were bored. The time wasn’t even the best to send something like that, as he thought that Hangyul was most likely studying for their exam week. Just seconds before pressing send, Yohan had thought that it was okay if Hangyul didn’t reply.

In fact, that would have made sense. He hadn’t really talked to Hangyul much since after the confession, save for occasions when a project was involved and they had to ask questions. Conversations never went further after that, and Yohan let it be.

He had known that it was his fault, and he never denied it. Sure, the guilt ate at him, but at that point, Hangyul had looked like he was doing better. Maybe what he was doing was best, Yohan had thought, even though a part of him had practically screamed at him that that wasn’t true.

Hell, even Seungwoo backed off of the whole thing, but Yohan felt like it wouldn’t go back to how it was with him, either.

That day though, Yohan had been feeling pretty gutsy. Also, extremely nervous about exams. But mostly gutsy.

So, of course, as it was his default, Yohan messaged the first person he knew he would be able to talk to at a time like that.

True, it might have been better if he didn’t just send a pretty surprising text after several weeks of silence, but Yohan had no idea how else to do it. Worst case scenario, Hangyul would completely ignore it, and Yohan would just pretend nothing happened.

Yohan has only recently discovered that pretending nothing happened never really helped with anything.

For a while, Yohan had just procrastinated on studying, opening and closing his textbook, rearranging the pens in his pencil case, even just idly picking at a loose thread in his house pants. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to study history, but he just wasn’t in any mood to do so. Yohan knew full well that he wouldn’t be able to really focus if he pushed it, so he allowed himself a few minutes.

Problem is, those few minutes had soon become half an hour, and then an hour. Hangyul still hadn’t replied at that point, and Yohan didn’t want to think about why it made him even more inclined to slack off. Yohan knew he wasn’t the type to do that at all, but maybe that day was really just an off day.

Three hours in, Yohan had already rearranged the little figurines on his shelves, and had taken his stuff out of his school bag only to rearrange. He had known that he wasn’t acting like he usually did, but Yohan was just itching to have something to do.

When his phone finally pinged with a notification, Yohan barely wanted to believe he heard right. He had grabbed his phone, sitting cross legged on his bedroom carpet to read the message. Who would even text him on the day before and exam-

**_[HANGYULLIE] 6:45PM_ **

**_Nah, can’t get myself to study. U?_ **

Yohan had already fully convinced himself that he wasn’t getting a reply, much less one that is so casual. Alright, maybe he’d admit to hoping for it, but he just _knew_ it wouldn’t happen.

Until it did.

**_[YOHANIE] 6:48PM_ **

**_Can’t study either._ ** **_  
_** **_Distracted._ **

Reaching for his book, Yohan had turned to a chapter, not even sure if it was the one he was supposed to study. He had just needed to open it, and convince himself that he was trying somewhat.

And Yohan wanted to try. He wanted to pass his test, of course. But something in him was buzzing, and he just couldn’t place it.

Hangyul didn’t take that long to reply.

**_[HANGYULLIE] 6:50PM_ **

**_What’s distracting you?_ **

For a few moments, Yohan had stared at the words. He didn’t really know the answer, just that he knew he was. It was difficult to explain.

Still, Yohan had typed out a reply. 

**_[YOHANIE] 6:53PM_ **

**_Dunno._ ** **_  
_** **_I’m procrastinating by cleaning my room._ **

When it took more than a few minutes for Hangyul to reply, Yohan had tried to get his attention back on his book. He even took out his notes, going over them as he tried to find the corresponding chapter of the book for that section.

Even so, Yohan was still distracted. His mind wandered elsewhere, and whatever few clumps of words he absorbed didn’t really make sense.

Yohan had known that he most likely won’t get that high of a grade in the exam the next day if he really didn’t start studying seriously. Taking a deep breath, he willed himself into concentrating.

That all went out the window when his phone pinged.

**_[HANGYULLIE] 7:00PM_ **

**_Lol me too!_ ** **_  
_** **_I only have our book open but I’m not even reading._ **

A smile had spread across Yohan’s face at that. It was the Lee Hangyul he knew, the Lee Hangyul that went with all of his not-so-great ideas.

It was his best friend, and Yohan had missed him terribly. 

That night, Yohan talked to Hangyul for hours on end, talking about anything and everything, only sneaking a few glances to his notes whenever Hangyul said they should _really_ start studying.

Yohan knew neither of them did though, and it was a comforting thought. 

Those hours were the first time in almost two months that they actually talked without it feeling like it was only required of them. It felt freeing, and Yohan’s heart thumped steadily in his chest at the thought, no longer feeling like he was holding back.

Neither of them really knew that so much time was passing, but it didn’t matter. What mattered was it was back to some sort of normalcy between them. 

For the first time in several weeks, Yohan didn’t feel afraid.

And even when he struggled with the test questions the next day, it felt like it was worth it. Especially when he caught Hangyul’s eye from across the room for a split second, and Hangyul smiled at him with all the sunshine in the world.

  
  


▷

Hangyul doesn’t need to warn Yohan before coming into his home, but Yohan is genuinely surprised he’s here tonight.

The look in Hangyul’s eyes is enough for Yohan to drop what he was doing and come up to greet him, taking the plastic bags from his arms. Hangyul offers him something close to a smile, and Yohan doesn’t even need to ask. 

Taking out the alcohol Hangyul brought, Yohan gestures for him to sit down and get comfortable. Gray hoodie dwarfing his frame, Hangyul settles down on the carpet, pulling a throw pillow towards him to hug. Yohan opens two cans of beer for them, and sits down beside Hangyul.

Actually, Yohan was prepared for Hangyul to finally open up and talk, but that doesn’t happen. Instead, Hangyul straightens his back, looking at him like he has an idea. There’s a hint of a slightly more genuine smile on his mouth. Yohan appreciates that, but he’s afraid that Hangyul will just continue to shut him out.

 _The time will come,_ Yohan reminds himself. So, he just asks Hangyul what he wants to do.

“Do you know that game they do? Truth or drink?” Hangyul replies, his voice soft. Yohan notes the little crack in his voice, but mentions nothing. 

“Yeah, I know it. You wanna play that?”

Hangyul nods, pulling out his phone. “I saved the questions on my phone. It’s really just a little game so we can get to know each other better.”

Chuckling, Yohan says, “Don’t we know each other well enough? We’ve been friends for a whole decade, you know.”

Landing a gentle punch on Yohan’s arm, Hangyul replies, “For all I know you could’ve been in love with me for the entirety of those 10 years and I have no idea.”

Of course, Hangyul was joking, but Yohan, oddly enough, feels like he got punched in the gut. He struggles to find a response, and is panicking with the thought that he’s been quiet for too long.

Before he could say anything though, Hangyul’s already shifting his position so that he could face Yohan. “Come on already, let’s start it!”

It’s relieving to hear Hangyul’s voice sound a bit more lively, even as his eyes still belie something he’s not saying. Yohan thinks that he’ll get that out of him at some point, and it would be better to just indulge him in what he wants to do for now.

He turns to face him as well, their knees bumping against each other. They both take a starting swig from their beers, Yohan watching as Hangyul scrolls through his phone for the questions.

“Have you ever disliked someone I liked?” Hangyul asks him, his eyes wide and expectant. It makes Yohan laugh, just a bit.

Yohan thinks back to all of Hangyul’s crushes over the years, from that loud girl in their Math class that could solve any equation thrown at her, to that other boy in his dance club who moved like he was skipping across water, to that sophomore they met at the college orientation that they never remembered the name of. He also recalls all of Hangyul’s exes, most of which were never really people he’d want to meet ever again.

“Yeah, that guy you dated on our graduating year. Do you remember him?” 

Hangyul nods. “Oh, Junwoo? I wish I didn’t.” He laughs, shaking his head.

“He was an ass. He’s lucky I didn’t get the chance to kick him in the balls.”

Laughing harder, Hangyul takes another sip. “I honestly would have let you.”

The phone is handed over to Yohan, who reads the next question. “Have you ever had a crush on someone I’ve been with? What did you do?”

His best friend looks up, trying to remember if he did. Yohan feels like he already knows the answer to this, but it’s better that Hangyul answer it himself.

Pointing at him, realization in his eyes, Hangyul says, “Hyejin, was it? I liked her.”

Yohan furrows his brows together. “Hyejin? I thought you didn’t even want to see her.”

Hangyul winces a little. “Well… I thought she was cute, and then I thought the both of you were cute together, and I was so single that time…”

Hitting him on the arm, Yohan chuckles. “God, I can’t believe you.”

With a shrug, Hangyul starts reading the next question. He stifles a laugh, covering his mouth, and Yohan wonders what it is.

“Have you ever had a sex dream about me? What happened?” Hangyul reads out loud, the corners of his mouth turning up in a shit-eating grin. Yohan eyes him, and feels the slightest of blushes creep up his cheeks.

Yohan taps a finger on his chin. “I mean, nothing too explicit but…”

Hangyul slaps his knee. “Dude!”

“What?” Yohan fires back, a giggle rising in his chest. “I didn’t mean for it to happen, you know!”

“What happened anyways?”

Taking in a breath, Yohan thinks back on his dream. At the time, he thought that it was weird that he even had a dream like that, but again, it’s not like he can control what he dreams about.

“It was some time ago, so don’t expect this to be in detail or whatever,” Yohan begins. Hangyul nods, drinking more of his beer. “We were at the club, one that I couldn’t recognize. Of course, we were drinking and dancing, and I remember having to elbow people away from flirting with you.”

The smirk on Hangyul’s face is so tempting to wipe off. “That was sweet of you. Jealous much?”

Yohan fixes him with a look, but continues. “Anyways, at some point, I told you that maybe it’s better if we find somewhere quieter.”

An eyebrow shoots up at his words, and Yohan nearly smacks Hangyul. “Oh wow, wanted me all to yourself huh?”

Sighing, Yohan tries not to throttle him. “It was just a dream, shut up!”

He feels his cheeks reddening, and Hangyul laughs at the sight, gesturing for him to go on with his story. “So then we got to this room that I couldn’t recognize, but I could still hear the club music somehow. I was so confused, and you were too, but the next thing I knew, you were pressing me against the door-”

Hangyul chokes on a corn chip. “Wait, woah woah. I _what_?”

“Pressed me against the door and then asked me what I liked…” Yohan’s voice peters off into a whisper, but he still sees Hangyul’s eyes widen.

For a moment, all Hangyul does is gape at him. “Oh my God, Kim Yohan. What _do_ you like, anyways?”

There’s a pillow chucked into Hangyul’s face the next moment, but he’s still laughing. Yohan tries to fight down the very obvious flush he has on his face, hoping that he can attribute it to the alcohol. “I hate you,” he says, but there’s no fire in it as he throws chips at Hangyul’s still smiling face.

“No, you don’t,” Hangyul replies, smug. He hands his phone over, and it almost slips through Yohan’s fingers.

Composing himself, Yohan reads the next one. “Okay, let’s be serious now. What one thing do you want to change about me?”

When he looks up, Hangyul has his head tilted, staring at him endearingly. This idiot. “Let me think for a bit,” Hangyul says softly, and his eyes seem to be scanning Yohan’s face. Yohan debates throwing something else at him.

After a few moments, he finally has an answer. “I wish you’d be nicer on yourself sometimes.”

Yohan takes a shaky breath at that. It was a topic they talked about every now and then, and he’s really been trying to improve on that, but old habits die hard, he guesses.

There were just days that he couldn’t stop it, the way he doubted himself. Yohan would wish that he’d done more, done better, and it would eat at him for some time. It pushed him to do more the next time, sometimes even pushing his limits, and he knows that Hangyul notices.

He nods, mumbling a soft “I know,” looking down his hands in his lap. Yohan can feel Hangyul’s stare at him, and they’re silent for a few more moments.

“You’re doing great so far though,” Hangyul tells him reassuringly, a hand coming over to squeeze Yohan’s knee. A corner of Yohan’s mouth turns up, and he pats Hangyul’s hand.

Yohan mumbles a “thanks” that he’s sure Hangyul hears, handing over the phone. He drinks some more of his beer, looking up to face his best friend head on, the smallest smile on his face. Hangyul smiles back.

“What did you think about me when you first met me?” Hangyul raises his eyebrows at him, looking like a curious little kid.

Ah, the first meeting. “I thought you were pretty loud,” Yohan says, and Hangyul snorts. “And that you would have some trouble adjusting to my usually quieter classmates, but I was wrong about that.”

Hangyul shrugs. “It makes sense why you’d think that.”

“Yeah, and then soon enough we got the title of ‘Rowdiest Section’ from all the teachers.”

“Hey, that wasn’t all _my_ fault,” Hangyul protests, pouting. “I just… started it, I guess.”

Yohan just laughs at him.

“Okay next one,” Yohan says. “How would you describe me to someone who’s never met me?”

Now this one Yohan is genuinely curious about. He knows that Hangyul has talked about him to some of his other friends (and Yohan has done the same), but Yohan doesn’t know how Hangyul would even describe him to someone who hasn’t met him.

That’s what he wondered when he first met Wooseok. Yohan knew that Wooseok _knew_ about him, but he just didn’t know to what extent.

“Well,” Hangyul begins, pouting in thought. “I’d say that you seem like this cool person that didn’t just talk to anyone and is a little intimidating, but actually you’re about as much a crackhead as I am.”

Yohan shakes his head, laughing, but he doesn’t say anything. Hangyul continues. “I’d also tell them that you _are_ cool, in the way that you are willing to learn more about people and you never forget those details, so that they feel appreciated and like they’re important to you. I’d tell them that you’re down for a lot of different things, even if at first you’re a little hesitant. Like, I can bring you to some sorta surprise adventure and you wouldn’t even complain all that much. You’re cool like that.”

It makes Yohan smile. Thinking about Hangyul telling that to people makes him feel warm.

“I’d also tell them that you have a black belt and not to mess with you or anyone you care about, so they should be careful.”

Yohan chuckles at that. He is very protective over people, and he shows it in many different ways.

“Is that what you told Wooseok?” Yohan asks, watching his expression carefully. It doesn’t betray anything, only that Hangyul smiles softly.

“Mostly,” Hangyul says, his tone implying he said a few other things. Yohan isn’t sure he wants to know. “Next question: What is my greatest asset physically?”

Once he finishes reading it, Hangyul leans forward, resting his chin in his hand and batting his eyelashes at Yohan. It’s a little ridiculous seeing it from him, but a small part of Yohan whispers about how adorable it is, all the same.

“You’ve got a really great smile,” Yohan says, and sure enough, it makes Hangyul grin. “It was one of the first things I really noticed with you, and I’ve seen people almost kill for it.”

Hangyul jokingly slaps him on the arm, and Yohan sees that he’s pleased. “Awww, that’s cute. I honestly thought you were going to say you liked my ass the best.”

Yohan splutters on his beer. He wipes at his chin, trying to laugh as he gets himself to stop coughing. “Well, it’s a nice ass, if you needed to hear it. No homo, though.”

Chuckling, Hangyul says, “Not even a little bit homo?”

Yohan shakes his head no, but he’s smiling. “Nope.”

“I’ll try again next year.”

That remark earns Hangyul another punch on the arm. Clearly, he’s enjoying this.

The next question makes Yohan’s face scrunch. “Oh God. This one’s weird. If you had to eat one part of my body, what part would it be?”

Hangyul’s eyebrows shoot up in the way that means he already has an answer, but he’s considering not saying it out loud. God, Yohan hates him.

“Please don’t say my ass,” Yohan says before Hangyul could even answer anything, and it makes Hangyul burst out laughing. Some of his beer sloshes onto the table as he does.

“Okay okay, fine.” Hangyul looks up again, thinking. After a few seconds, his gaze is back on Yohan, doing a quick once-over. Jokingly, Yohan crosses his arms protectively over himself.

“Thighs,” Hangyul says, so sure of his answer. “You’ve got pretty thick ones over there, my friend.”

Yohan shrugs. They’re not quite as thick as Hangyul’s are, but they’re pretty damn dangerous too. “Well, you’re not wrong. Are you going to make barbecue out of them?”

Hangyul chuckles. “Maybe.” The smirk on his face is still annoying as ever. “Oh I like this question. When was the moment we became best friends?” 

After some thought, Yohan answers, “That day we went to the principal's office together.”

They were both thirteen at the time, just boys with wide smiles on their faces despite the punishment that awaited them. It’s one of the clearer memories Yohan has of their friendship.

It all started with a very stupid fight. Any other day, any other reason, and Yohan might not have been up for it. 

One of the older kids had pushed down a boy Yohan’s age, his uniform getting muddied as he went down. The boy was small, thinner than Yohan, and not even fighting back. It hurt to see him take all the insults, all the hits, and no one else was helping, just watching from the sidelines.

From the whispers of the students, Yohan and Hangyul found out what happened. The boy on the ground had been slipping love notes into one of the older boys’ lockers. Nobody had a clue who was doing it until that morning, when the younger boy was caught doing it. He was dragged into the middle of the field, and he barely even resisted.

That was the first time Yohan saw Hangyul’s face darken. His entire body was tense, and Yohan felt like he’d be swatted away if he tried to hold Hangyul back. Yohan himself wanted to stop what was happening, but he knew the possibility of him being thrown to the ground by those older boys at least twice his size. Hangyul wasn’t that much bigger than Yohan either.

Not that it stopped Hangyul, no. He had marched right up to them and punched the one looming over the smaller boy straight in the gut. Yohan heard the collective gasp from everyone that was there. Lee Hangyul, sunshine incarnate, friend to all, not even scared as he landed a blow that made the older boy double over.

And when another one of the older kids started approaching Hangyul, Yohan didn’t even need to think. It was against what his father would have let him do, but it didn’t matter.

If Yohan was going to be honest, he didn’t even remember what he did.

All he knew was that he and Hangyul were called to the principal’s office, their faces dirty and their palms and knees scuffed up. The walk to there was quiet, with what felt like dozens of eyes on them. Neither of them had cared.

Outside that office, with them in the faded plastic chairs, Yohan started smiling stupidly. They were going to receive a punishment for what they did, plus the inevitable scolding they’d get when they get home, but it felt like it was worth it. Hangyul had looked over at him, confused.

“I’m proud of us,” Yohan had said, a giggle deep in his chest rising to the surface. “We did pretty well.”

At that, Hangyul had shrugged, but his smile widened by the second. “Thank you for being there, too.”

Yohan had elbowed him in the ribs. “I’ll always be there, idiot.”

Looking back at it now makes Yohan grin. He looks over at Hangyul, who looks like he’s reminiscing as well. “Arguably one of our dumbest moments,” Hangyul says.

“But one of our best ones. We did what was right, and I don’t regret a single thing.” Yohan means it.

Sighing, Hangyul hands over his phone. “Duh, it was the start of all these years of being stupid together.”

Yohan rubs his hand over his face as he reads the next question. “What would it take for us to have sex?”

At that, Hangyul straight up smirks at him, and Yohan already doesn’t like the answer. “Not much. You just have to ask, dude.”

It’s Yohan that needs to take another swig of his drink. “I can’t believe you sometimes.”

“What? You’re hot, and I know you know that!”

When Yohan doesn’t reply, Hangyul continues, “Haven’t you thought about fucking me too?”

Yohan puts down his beer before he spills it all over himself. Or chucks it into Hangyul’s perfect, smug face. Either of the two. “Uh, no?”

Okay, not entirely true, but he’s not going to give Hangyul the satisfaction of getting that info.

Hangyul puts a hand over his heart, pretending he’s hurt. “Wow, dude, after I showed you my rock hard abs? I feel betrayed.”

That earns Hangyul another pillow across the face. “Just read the next question.”

The pillow is thrown back to Yohan, who catches it neatly. “If someone offered you a billion won to never speak to me again, would you take it?”

Yohan pretends that he’s considering it, and Hangyul gapes at him. He laughs at Hangyul’s expression, shaking his head no.

“Listen, I’d lie and take it, and then we can split it,” Yohan answers, and Hangyul holds up his hand. Yohan high-fives him, before opening another two beers for the both of them.

“Your turn,” Hangyul says, already sipping from his can. 

Scrolling through the questions, Yohan tries to find an interesting one. “Oooh this one. What secret have you been too embarrassed to tell me?”

There’s very little that they don’t share with each other at this point, so Yohan just expects Hangyul to answer.

To Yohan’s surprise, Hangyul pales. He tries to convince himself it’s the shitty lighting in his living room, but he sees Hangyul fumbling for words too.

The next moment, Hangyul only wordlessly chugs his second can of beer down, refusing to answer the question. Yohan wants to press him on for it, but he knows he’s not going to get anything out of him tonight.

“That bad, huh?” Yohan jokes, handing over the phone. Hangyul nods silently, reaching for another can of beer.

“Someday, Kim Yohan, I’ll tell you.” The way he says it makes Yohan’s stomach twist. He has no idea what it could be, and he knows he won’t know soon.

“As long as you didn’t pull off something revolting and absolutely illegal, I’ll be fine with it,” Yohan tries, and is relieved when Hangyul chuckles at it.

“Okay, let’s do the last few ones, hm?” At Yohan’s nod, Hangyul proceeds. “If we were the last two people on Earth, would you date me?”

Yohan smirks over his beer. “Sure, why not? We’d be bored anyways.”

Hangyul nearly throws his phone at him. “You’re just going to date me when you’re bored? Asshole.”

“What? I answered the question.” At Hangyul’s pout, Yohan can’t help but to pinch his cheek. “Kidding, I’d date you even if I wasn’t bored.”

“Very comforting.”

He snickers before reading the next one. “When was the last time you lied to me and why?”

Yohan watches as Hangyul puts down his drink. He seems to be trying to recall if he’s lied to Yohan recently.

“When you last asked me if I was fine,” he answers, sad smile on his lips.

Almost automatically, Yohan reaches out to hold his hands, squeezing them comfortingly. “You know you can tell me when you feel like shit.”

Nodding, Hangyul looks at their hands. “Yeah, I know. It’s just…”

“It’s hard,” Yohan finishes for him, trying to discern his facial expression. It’s hidden behind his hair that’s grown a bit longer than he usually keeps it and the shadows of the room.

Hangyul takes in a deep breath. “When you ask me next time, I promise to tell you the truth.”

Yohan stares at him, running his thumbs over Hangyul’s skin. “Are you okay, Hangyul?” he asks quietly.

There’s a few beats of silence before Hangyul replies. “A bit, yeah. I’ll be better soon.”

Leaning forward, Yohan frees one hand to rub at Hangyul’s arm in a way that he hopes is reassuring. Hangyul looks up and offers a smile, this one a little less sad. It’s enough for now.

“Do you love me? Chug a beer if yes,” Hangyul tells him, his knee nudging against Yohan’s.

“Of course I love you, you dick.” Hangyul’s face brightens up at that, some color coming back to it. Then again, it might be the alcohol.

“Chug, then.”

Yohan snorts, picking up his beer can and bringing it to his lips. He chugs, all too aware of Hangyul cheering him on. Afterwards, he puts it down with an empty clatter, rummaging through the plastic bag for another one.

“Last question, right?” Yohan says, eyes already reading the question. He hears a sound of affirmation from his best friend.

“It says here to sit on my lap and stare at me intimately for a whole minute or to chug a beer.”

As soon as Yohan looks up, Hangyul is already getting up, ready to sit on his lap. Soon enough, he has a lapful of a heavy, muscular man, whose arms are winding around his neck and whose warmth is engulfing all of Yohan.

Unconsciously, Yohan wraps his own arms around Hangyul’s waist, securing him in his place. Hangyul laughs breathlessly at that, squirming a little in Yohan’s lap.

“Wow, possessive much?” he teases.

Yohan glares at him. “Shut up and start the timer.”

Hangyul hums, tapping away at his phone. When he puts it away and stares into Yohan’s eyes, Yohan can’t help but laugh.

“What’s so funny?” he asks, but he’s laughing too.

“This is the weirdest thing we’ve done.”

“I think you’ve forgotten about the time we had to shove our hands down that toilet in your house because your sister dropped her favorite bracelet.”

Yohan slaps his ass at that, which makes Hangyul laugh even more. “No, I meant, this is weird in a whole different way.”

Hangyul looks like he’s about to say something, but he holds himself back. Instead, he replies, “A minute’s so long, huh?”

Nodding, Yohan tries to focus on the other features of Hangyul’s face. His irritatingly perfect brows, his nose that slopes so nicely, his full lips and his soft cheeks. Those eyes that always seem to be full of mischief, dark and soft and so familiar. Yohan has known this face for years, and yet it feels like he never really looked at it.

But it’s the same one he’s seen smeared with mud and grime, the same one he’s smeared cake icing over, the same one that’s been in a whole album’s worth of photos, the same one he used to see every morning in his apartment. It’s Lee Hangyul’s same face, but now, with the shitty lighting and the alcohol in his veins, Yohan thinks he’s never seen it be this pretty.

“You’re staring,” Hangyul tuts at him, grinning again.

“As if you aren’t doing the same.”

“You got me on that one.”

The minute ends soon after, and Hangyul clambers off of him. They clink their beer cans together, finishing them off. Somehow, they have enough sense to at least stumble into Yohan’s bedroom, where they crash onto the bed. It’s a much more forgivable option than them passing out on the floor again, and Yohan watches as Hangyul snuggles into his sheets, breathing deeply.

For a while, they mumble about different things, just small talk as they slowly drift into sleep. Yohan’s bed is big enough that they don’t have to squeeze together, but they get pretty close anyways.

“Hangyul?” Yohan asks, so soft he’s not sure the other heard. He’s not even sure if Hangyul is still awake.

“Mmm?” comes the response, muffled by a pillow.

Yohan takes a deep breath, staring straight at his ceiling. “Hangyul, tell me honestly. Do you still love me? As in, you know, _that_ type of love.”

He doesn’t know what to do with whatever answer Hangyul gives him, hell, he doesn’t even know why he asked the question. What does he get for it, anyways?

All Yohan knows is that he’s been thinking about it for a while, but never really asked it. Something about being scared, or about not wanting to know.

Yohan doesn’t know if he should be thankful that Hangyul doesn’t answer.

  
  


◁◁

For a reason he didn’t fully understand yet, Yohan knew then that Seungwoo and Seungyoun were going to strangle him.

“So, let me run this over with you again,” Seungyoun said, pinching the bridge of his nose. “You don’t have a date to prom yet, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Yohan answered, unsure where it was going.

“And you’ve turned down all the people that have asked you, yes?” There’s an edge in Seungwoo’s voice.

Yohan hummed in affirmation, still very confused. Why did the two of them pull him aside?

“So why don’t you ask Hangyul to be your date?”

Admittedly, Yohan didn’t think of that. Even if he did, though, Yohan knew he would have hesitated.

“Won’t it be...weird?” he asked, but as soon as he did, he realized it sounded stupid. Which was okay maybe, since both Seungyoun and Seungwoo must already think he’s an idiot.

At that point, they were already mostly back to normal, with them talking frequently and even back to eating lunch together. Yohan’s parents were so relieved to see Hangyul visit their home again. It was okay, with just the slightest bit of awkwardness left, but they were working on it.

Both of them exhaled, absolutely exasperated at Yohan. “No, Yohan it won’t be weird,” Seungwoo said, his voice tired.

“Just ask him,” Seungyoun urged, looking at Yohan straight in the eyes.

“And if he rejects?” Yohan asked, glancing up at both of them. He didn’t know if things were at that level of okay yet, and he didn’t want to risk it.

The two shared a look, one that seemed like they were communicating wordlessly, before turning back to Yohan.

“Trust us when we say he won’t.”

Prom night comes, and Yohan still hadn’t asked Hangyul yet. Somehow, he found ways to avoid it, even skirting around the topic whenever Hangyul so much as mentioned it. 

But Hangyul hadn’t found a date yet either, that much Yohan knew.

Not that it stopped their parents from conspiring to get them in one car to go to the venue, and also find a way to get them matching suits. Because of course, what else did they expect from the Kim and Lee parents?

Yohan tried to put on his best smile for his mom’s camera as she clicked away, obviously very excited about her son’s prom night. His hair is slicked back a little too much, and he feels his forehead being stretched. It was a little difficult to smile, but Yohan still tried anyways.

His dad kept fussing with his tie, making sure it was perfect at least a dozen times. Yohan had to gently swat his dad’s hand away. Not long after, Yohan would be crushed into a hug, which made his dad fuss over the tie again.

He thought it wouldn’t get worse until the car comes, Hangyul stepping out of it rather awkwardly. The colors of his suit matched with Yohan’s, and they registered exactly what their parents did as soon as they laid eyes on each other.

The camera was brought out again, and Yohan felt like his mom took at least 20 shots of them standing together, with her insistent “Closer, get closer boys!”

By the time they both got into the car, Yohan’s parents done lecturing them about keeping safe during prom and not taking random cups from strangers, they both knew they were going to be a bit late.

The drive to school was quiet in that awkward way, but Yohanhad already expected it. He didn’t want to push anything, especially as the matters of an actual “date to the prom” were never really discussed.

Halfway to the school, Hangyul finally piped up. “Ugh, I just want to take this stupid tie off.”

Yohan laughed at him, fully understanding how he felt. “I want to run my head under a tap. They made me use so much gel on this hair.”

“Me too! I can’t even blink.”

And so they laughed in the back seat of that rented car, some of the last shreds of tension between them wearing away. 

Yohan wished the car ride wouldn’t end.

It did though, much to his dismay. There was already music coming from inside, and lots of people were milling around the entrance, taking photos and greeting friends. Both of them shuffled inside quickly, only to be met with Seungyoun.

The smile on Seungyoun’s face was the smuggest one Yohan had ever seen on him.

“Hey there,” he said, looking at the both of them. “Looking good. Do you have your invites?”

Yohan handed both of theirs over, and Seungyoun pretended to check them. There was still that smile on his face, and Yohan knew he was never going to hear the end of it after this.

Seungyoun gave the invites back after a minute, also giving them a food stub for the buffet and ribbons to tie around their wrists; an entrance bracelet of sorts. They thanked him, and Yohan could still hear Seungyoun’s snickers even as they walked away.

Hangyul easily found seats at a table where they at least knew some of the people, and Hangyul instantly started conversing with them. Yohan took his seat beside him, looking around for a familiar face.

Within moments, Yohan spotted Yuvin, walking over to him with a cup of something pink in his hands.

“Yohan!” he greeted, smile wide on his face. “You look great there, bud.”

“Thanks,” Yohan replied, grinning up at him. “Not so bad yourself.”

Yuvin was wearing a classic white suit, accentuated with a bright red rose on his lapel. He spun around for Yohan, showing off his outfit more, and Yohan complimented him on how good it looks on him.

It’s not long, though, before Yuvin is being pulled away by someone to take photos. He managed to call back to Yohan to take pictures with him later in the night as well before disappearing in the crowd of people.

That was what most of the night was for Yohan. Just talking to people, meeting new and old friends, having pictures taken with whoever pulled at him. The punch was dizzyingly sweet and it gave him enough of a rush to go around and socialize. The flashing lights were an absolute menace, but somehow Yohan survived one whole round of talking to everyone he met.

When it was time to settle down for dinner, Yohan realized that it was the first time he saw Hangyul in more than an hour. He seemed pretty buzzed on the sugar as well, his cuffs undone and his smile brighter than any of the stupid strobe lights.

Dinner was quieter by the slightest bit as everyone talked amongst their tablemates, a few bursts of laughter here and there, and the general tone of excited chatter filled the air. Yohan and Hangyul were mostly silent, only listening in to the conversation at the table and answering when needed.

All they really did during the dinner was sneak each other more food onto their plates, get woozy from the sweet punch, and smile at the way the green and magenta lights catch in the planes of each other’s faces.

It was nice like that, like they weren’t forcing anything to happen. That was how they’ve always been, and Yohan was thankful that it wasn’t as weird as he thought it would be. It was just going to prom with your best friend, plain and simple.

The dancing started not very long after, and groups of friends, couples, and a handful of individuals gravitate to the middle, their bodies moving to the music. Yohan felt Hangyul move in his seat as well, unable to keep still when good music was playing.

Over the loud sounds, Yohan managed to tell Hangyul, “Go dance.” Hangyul seemed to consider it for a moment, before reaching a hand out to Yohan.

Even if his breath caught in his throat, Yohan just said, “I can’t really dance, you know that. Go have fun!”

He practically needed to push Hangyul to the dance floor so that he would go, and Yohan watched as Hangyul immediately started moving, his body finding the rhythm easily. Yohan had always thought that the way that Hangyul danced was fascinating, how it didn’t even matter what song it was; Hangyul would always find a way to make it his own.

As more and more people go to the dance floor, Yohan would only go to the buffet tables, getting himself something to drink and another serving of dessert. Hangyul waved at him to come over and dance, but Yohan would only smile at him and shake his head.

Soon, the upbeat songs started to fade into the slower ones, and people made their way back to their tables, leaving only the couples behind. Hangyul, of course, went back to their table, but only to stand in front of Yohan.

Yohan quirked an eyebrow up, questioning. Hangyul’s hair was already somewhat dishevelled, and his tie hung loosely around his neck. He looked happy, and he was holding a hand out to Yohan expectantly.

“Come on,” Hangyul said. Yohan only stared at his outstretched hand. “We need to dance at least once tonight.”

Heart pounding in his chest (most likely from the bass from the speakers), Yohan took his hand, letting himself be pulled up and brought to the dance floor.

Hangyul got them to the very middle, and he’s bathed with warm pink light as he took Yohan’s hands and positioned them on his shoulders, his own coming to rest at Yohan’s hip.

“Is this okay?” he asked over the music, mouth very close to Yohan’s ear.

Yohan could only nod, and then allowing Hangyul to lead him in the dance. They only sway at first, ever so slightly, their hold on each other hesitant.

Seungwoo sweeps past them at some point, eyeing the both of them suspiciously. “So, are you going to hold each other properly or what?”

At that, Hangyul pulled Yohan in closer, until he was almost pressed up against him. Yohan’s arms automatically wound around his neck, and the hands on his waist tightened. It earns them a pleased smile from Seungwoo, who disappears into the crowd of couples soon after.

“Just tell me when you don’t feel comfortable, okay?” Hangyul told him, his warm breath against Yohan’s skin. “We can stop anytime.”

Yohan nods again, unsure what to say. They weren’t quite dancing the way the others surrounding them were, but the swaying motions were nice, comforting even. The song playing over the speakers was soft and familiar, and Hangyul hummed to it as they moved.

He didn’t even know how long they were there, just making little steps in their space and moving to the music. Hangyul’s smile was dreamy in the warm-colored lights, and Yohan thought he finally understood why so many people fawned over him.

When the lights dimmed, leaving them in a hazy blueish tone, Hangyul pulled him even closer, embracing Yohan’s body to him. His heart was beating pretty quickly, and Yohan was afraid that his was too.

“Yohan,” Hangyul said, so softly Yohan almost missed it. “Thank you.”

Yohan didn’t know what he was thanking him for, but he mumbled back a “No problem.”

Like that, he could feel how warm Hangyul was, even through all the layers. He smelled like his bodywash under the strong scent of perfume (most likely his dad’s) and hair gel. It felt good to embrace him like that, and Yohan felt like they were closer than they’ve allowed themselves to be in months.

Hangyul said something else that Yohan didn’t quite catch, and before he could ask, Hangyul was pulling away. Confused, Yohan tried to see what was happening, when he caught a glimpse of a shy girl behind Hangyul, looking up at him with wide eyes.

She squeaked something like wanting to have a dance with Hangyul, and he smiled at her, saying “of course,” ever so gently. He turned to Yohan, eyes wordlessly asking for permission, and Yohan unwound himself from Hangyul so that the girl could have a turn.

Over the top of her head, Hangyul mouthed “I’m sorry,” but Yohan only smiled at him. 

“It’s okay,” he mouthed back, waiting until Hangyul gave him a smile before he turned to go back to their table.

Their table is mostly empty, and he presumed the others went to dance as well. Before he could even have a solid moment of peace, Seungyoun comes by, sliding him another cup of punch.

“So,” he began, and Yohan already didn’t like where it was going. “Seungwoo told me you danced with him.”

Yohan drank half of his cup. “Yeah, we danced.”

“So?” Seungyoun asked, expectantly. Yohan deadpanned at him.

“So...what?”

“Were there sparks?”

Yohan only laughed at his words. “Why do you want us to hit it off?”

Seungyoun fixed him with a look, like he was trying to see if Yohan really was stupid. “Because you’re perfect for each other and you’re just out here denying it any chance you get!”

Drinking the rest of the punch, Yohan replied, “You just want that fantasy image of us together to be real.”

Sighing, Seungyoun took a seat next to him. “Yohan, you really need to stop pushing down whatever the hell you feel for him. Fine, you might not be _in love_ with him, but that doesn’t mean you should pretend any and all other feelings for him aren’t there.”

Yohan stared at him. “Yeah, you’re right. I shouldn’t deny that I still think he’s the biggest idiot out there.”

After regarding him for a moment, Seungyoun clapped his shoulder. “Fine, but that’s _your_ idiot, and no matter how much you say otherwise, I know you like him a little more than just as your best friend. When you admit that to yourself is up to you.”

Seungyoun stood up after that, leaving Yohan with his thoughts and his empty cup. He tried to look for Hangyul in the sea of people, finally finding his tousled hair and his obnoxiously blue suit after several minutes.

The song sounded heartbreaking somehow, even as Yohan didn’t understand all of it. The couples on the dance floor clung to each other tight, as if they really understood love at 17.

_So close, so close_

Yohan watched as Hangyul smiled at the girl, his whole face lighting up sincerely. He was beautiful, always have, always will be.

_And still so far._

That’s the thing, Yohan thought. Everyone loved Hangyul, no matter who it was. It’s just how the world worked.

Everyone loved him, and Yohan did too.

  
  


▷

When Hangyul comes into the apartment just as Yohan was starting to settle down, wordlessly climbing into bed and burying his face into Yohan’s shoulder, Yohan doesn’t ask.

Instead, he holds Hangyul to him, carding his fingers through his hair gently. Hangyul doesn’t say anything either, only shifting so that he was lying on Yohan comfortably like a child wanting to be comforted.

For a while, they stay like that, Yohan drawing soothing patterns on his shoulders as Hangyul burrowed himself further into Yohan, like he just wanted to disappear somehow. Disappear into Yohan’s embrace and not exist at all.

This isn’t the first time Hangyul has done this. Yohan has long since learned that this sort of thing happened when Hangyul was utterly devastated, and would just need a few hours like that, unmoving and silent. Soon enough, Yohan would try to offer him food or ask him if he would just want to sleep, and things would be mostly okay after that.

Now, though, Yohan feels like that won’t be the case. The way Hangyul sighs, sounding like he’s on the verge of tears, is something he hasn’t heard in a while. Yohan hums to him, hoping the gentle vibrations ground him.

He never really liked seeing Hangyul like this. It was nice that he was the only one that Hangyul could trust to see his most vulnerable moments, but this Hangyul broke his heart. Yohan was tempted to shield him from all the hurt in the world, even though he knew he would never be able to.

Hangyul never deserved pain like this, especially not to the point that he could barely hold back his tears. Yohan knew his best friend never allowed himself to cry in front of people, and this Hangyul in his arms was already beyond his limit.

More often than not, it was Hangyul that would scoop Yohan up in his arms, holding him as close as he allowed. Yohan didn’t cry often either, and the few times he has in the past decade of his life was spent with his head nestled into the crook of Hangyul’s neck. His best friend always had the most comforting words, the warmest of hugs, and the patience to listen to all of Yohan’s stupid problems, no matter how repetitive they became.

Hangyul always said that it wasn’t because he was stronger. He told Yohan that everyone should be allowed to have moments where they don’t have to be strong. The world was never going to be the kindest of places, and getting hurt was inevitable. It wasn’t something that even the strongest could escape.

So, Yohan didn’t think of him as stronger. Yohan thought of him as braver. Lee Hangyul, with that heart of his. God, how many times had he seen Hangyul’s heart break? How many times has the world been unfair to him, beat him down, and yet he always smiled like sunshine incarnate? Lee Hangyul picked himself up and went on more times than Yohan could keep up with, and he’s always admired him for it.

And oh, how it hurt to have Hangyul curling up into himself like this now, suddenly so small and devoid of that brightness that used to chase all of Seoul’s rainclouds away. Yohan holds him like he’s afraid to break him, because he really is.

When Hangyul starts crying, full-on sobs that wrack his body, Yohan embraces him even tighter. He may not have the most encouraging words, but he has hands that can soothe. Yohan strokes his back rhythmically, sitting up so he can cradle his best friend. Swaying gently, Yohan lets him cry it out, every tear on his hoodie breaking his heart a little more.

Yohan doesn’t understand a thing of what Hangyul’s saying through his tears. He knows he can ask once he’s calmed down and ready, and that he just has to be there for now, but he still hopes he could help more. Anything to ease this.

It stops after a while, but Yohan isn’t aware of the time anymore. Not that it matters, anyways. Hangyul’s breathing evens out, from hiccuping breaths to deeper inhales, and Yohan guides him with his hands on his back. The entire front of his hoodie is soaked, but Yohan doesn’t think it matters, either.

Gently, he lays on his back again, pulling Hangyul to him once more. Hangyul settles into him, breath evening out even more. With Yohan’s humming and the fingers in Hangyul’s hair, he falls asleep, still curled into Yohan.

Yohan stays awake for a little while more, brushing the hair off Hangyul’s face and wiping the remnants of his tears away. He doesn’t know when Hangyul will be fine, but he silently promises to be there until he is, and even beyond that.

“Do you think I’m unworthy of finding love?” Hangyul asks, his eyes on the the darkening sky.

Yohan sends a glare his way. “Of all the things you could be, that isn’t one of them.”

Sighing, Hangyul closes his eyes. The wind is blowing through his hair and his jacket, and he makes no move to fix them.

After a long while, he speaks again. “Do you think the universe is just telling me that I just haven’t met the right one and they’re out there waiting for me too?”

Smacking him in the arm, Yohan says, “That’s very romantic of you.”

Yohan doesn’t believe that people are fated to be together, never have, never will. The universe doesn’t just decide that two people should hit it off for all to be right. Finding your other half shouldn’t be the end-all.

What Yohan does believe, though, is that everyone deserves to find some love in this world. It doesn’t even matter what kind of love it is, everyone is worthy of it. If they find it in their family, in a friend, in a loved one, in a pet, it really doesn’t matter.

And happiness shouldn’t be dependent on that either. One could be happy without finding the love of their life, and live on without it. If they find it, good; if they don’t, they shouldn’t despair.

There’s always love from everywhere, and it doesn’t always need to be romantic. People could fit into your life without them having to be the one you end up with. Finding happiness with them, it was what made things feel right.

He tells Hangyul this.

“And you called _me_ a romantic,” Hangyul jokes. It earns him a nudge in the ribs.

“Okay, maybe you are hopeless.” 

Hangyul only laughs at that one, his shoulders slumping the next moment.

“I keep thinking…” he begins. “You know what, never mind.”

Yohan watches as the skies deepen to pretty purples and blues. Something about the colors makes him sad. “What were you gonna say?”

It takes Hangyul a few beats before he speaks again. “I keep thinking, you know, maybe I’m just missing out on something.”

Furrowing his brows, Yohan asks. “And what is that something?”

Hangyul doesn’t say anything for a while, only staring at the dark night sky devoid of stars. There are people everywhere, but Yohan thinks they’re in their own little bubble for the moment. On their little patch of grass, Yohan feels like everything else is starting to blur away.

“After a lot of thinking these past few weeks, I guess I know why none of my relationships last long.”

“Because a lot of them were assholes?”

“Well that, but something else.”

His words make something heavy settle at the bottom of Yohan’s stomach, so Yohan takes a sip of his peach ale to forget about it.

“Why, then?” He admits to being genuinely curious about the reason now.

For a bit, Hangyul only fiddles with his fingers in his lap. “Don’t judge me, okay?”

Yohan looks at his side profile, and sees the hint of hesitation in his features. He must be afraid to say it out loud.

“I’ll try not to,” he says sincerely. 

Taking a deep breath, Hangyul turns to face him. Yohan’s stomach twists into a knot, and he tries desperately not to show how tense he is.

Why is he tense anyways?

“I think,” Hangyul begins, his eyes dropping to look at his hands again. “I think I’m just too hung up on someone and it’s stopping me from being fully into it.”

Yohan _really_ looks at him now, small again in his huge sweatshirt. Hangyul looks like he wants to close in on himself again, so Yohan squeezes his knee.

“It’s fine to feel that way,” he offers, not completely sure if it’s what he should say. “Maybe I can help with it?”

Hangyul looks up at him, eyes wide. “H-how?”

For a moment, Yohan is thrown off by how intensely Hangyul is staring up at him. His heart beats a little quicker, and he leans back a bit in case it could be heard. “I can start with asking why is it that you still like this person?”

Those warm brown eyes look away again, focusing on the Han river. Hangyul takes in another shaky breath. “I don’t...I don’t really know.”

Biting his lip, Yohan gently asks, “How long have you been hung up on them?”

That one makes Hangyul tense up. Yohan could see how his shoulders are starting to come up, as if he is about to curl up into a ball. 

He answers, though, in the quietest voice. “Too long now.”

Yohan examines him, and the nagging thought at the back of his mind is tugging at him. He hates that thought, wishes he could banish it forever somehow, but Yohan has a sinking feeling it’s right.

“Hangyul?”

His best friend finally turns to face him again, and his lip is quivering slightly. “Yeah?”

“Do you…” Yohan swallows the lump forming in his throat. “Does it hurt to keep holding onto this person?”

He doesn’t like how that question sounded, but it’s out there now. Besides, he needs to know if whatever Hangyul has been doing is doing more harm than good.

All these years, Yohan has done whatever was possible to make sure that Hangyul was okay, and he knows that it will not stop soon.

Yohan watches as Hangyul gulps. “Yeah.” He sounds so sad, so _defeated_ , like he’s accepted the painful truth of his situation and his feelings for this person.

“Why do you hold on, then?” It sounds harsh, even to his ears, and Yohan wants to take it back. Hangyul flinches, eyes still refusing to meet Yohan’s.

“I can’t help it. You know, I wish I didn’t, because it’s not like he would love me back. I wish I never fell in love with him, but every time I see him, I can’t help doing it all over again.”

The lump in Yohan’s throat grows bigger, and he feels his face heat up. Hangyul’s voice is starting to get thick with tears, but Yohan is frozen in place, unable to reach out to comfort him.

“It hurts. Some days more than most. I could just pretend that everything’s fine on most days, and then he smiles at me and I realize I can’t do it. It’s like I don’t stand a chance against him.”

Yohan is holding his breath now, his hands clenching. The voice in his head is screaming now, despite his efforts of drowning it out.

“I keep choosing him, but it was never me for him.” Two lone tears drop to his jeans, and Yohan stares at the dark stains.

“Hangyul?” Yohan manages past the scratchiness of his throat.

After a few beats, Hangyul raises his head, and the look in his eyes is so familiar in their pain that it feels like Yohan was just stabbed. “Yeah?”

He doesn’t know how to say it. Yohan doesn’t know if he wants to know, at all.

But if not now, then when?

“Hangyul,” he begins, and it’s like he’s starting to tear himself open, “who is it, if I may know?”

Even if Yohan already knows. Even if Yohan has somewhat known all these years.

Without answering him, Hangyul stands up. “I-I need to go.”

And Yohan lets him. Yohan lets Hangyul avoid the question and every consequence of him answering it, because he’s been doing the same himself.

Yohan has known since even before their prom night. 

It was in the way that he could feel Hangyul’s stare lingering on him, from the day he sat next to him again. He would always look away when Yohan turned to him, or he’d act like he wasn’t doing it.

It was in the way that Hangyul was both so eager to please and yet panicked when Yohan got a little too close. He would be the first to make any move always, but would smile and turn away when Yohan made any sort of move back.

And it was in the way that Hangyul remained his best friend, understanding and caring and putting up with his shit even during the times that Yohan couldn’t. It was in the way that Hangyul stayed at his side when he was injured beyond going back to sport that was once his life. It was in the way that Hangyul cheered him on long after he had any more matches. It was in the way that Hangyul was there after every nasty breakup, a comforting but sobering presence.

The whole thing wasn’t even about Hangyul being _in love_ with him. Hangyul loved him, more than he could comprehend, in ways that he can’t even enumerate.

And Yohan, oh, Yohan now knows that he’s always loved Hangyul too. He loves his voice that got loud when he was excited, the voice that would turn quiet and soothing when Yohan was too hurt to cry. He loves his hands, rough and calloused and warm, holding him steady all these years. He loves his stupidly perfect face, the one that so many people fell for, the one that Yohan has seen twisted with a hangover on so many mornings. He loves that laugh that Yohan could always get out of him, even in his most guarded moments.

Yohan has loved Hangyul since he was this panting mess of a kid on their first day back at school, has loved him on every single lunch break and now every single breakfast, has loved him no matter how many have tried knocking at his heart.

Seven-year-old Yohan would have laughed at him. When he turned seven, he had told his mother he wouldn’t fall in love. He said it was stupid, that it would get in the way of everything he wanted. His mother’s eyes were warm on him, probably thinking that he would take back every word when he was older.

That he did. Yohan is here now, twenty-three and only been in love exactly once. And he understands why now.

Hangyul never got in the way of anything that was good for him. He would only nudge him on, his words always like a shot of confidence through Yohan. Hangyul never tried to change him, only helping him to improve. There was never any pushing towards anything that Yohan was uncomfortable with. He was gentle, but blunt if Yohan needed a (gentle) slap to get back to reality.

He’d seen the uglier sides of him that Yohan didn’t even dare to show anyone else, and he didn’t waver. Hangyul wasn’t afraid of anything, much less being hurt in the process. The guy took it with everything he had, and he stood up right back after.

He’d seen Yohan in his happiest moments too, slinging an arm around him or pulling him into a hug so tight Yohan couldn’t help but laugh. Hangyul’s excitement bleeded into his, which always made him feel like he was floating. Even with the smallest accomplishments, Hangyul was always the proudest.

Hangyul made him feel comfortable, safe, loved, happy, all of that. It had always felt right, even though it took him a while to notice. Yohan didn’t want to deny it anymore. 

He’s been scared of this for a decade, and that’s way too long.

When he comes to Hangyul’s apartment, his expression is enough for Hangyul to let him in with no questions asked. Yohan sits on the couch, waiting until Hangyul sits beside him.

The hesitation that flashes across Hangyul’s face makes Yohan tense, but he doesn’t let himself chicken out. Slowly, Hangyul takes his seat. Almost immediately, Yohan takes his hands in his, staring right into his face.

“Just listen to me for now, okay?” Yohan says, watching as Hangyul nods before shying away from his gaze. “I need you to look at me, if you can.”

Biting his lip, Hangyul faces him, taking a deep breath. He must already have some assumptions about how it’s going to go down.

“Hangyul,” Yohan begins, so softly that his best friend has to lean in closer. “I...I know you’ve loved me all this time.”

There is a sharp intake of breath at that, and Yohan feels Hangyul’s hands tense. He squeezes them, rubbing his thumb over the backs. “I’ve known for a while. I always felt guilty about it, because I felt that I was unworthy of such a thing from the best person I knew.”

“No-”

Yohan uses a hand to cup his face, and Hangyul goes quiet again. “I just kept thinking, ‘He deserves to love someone who can give him that same love back.’”

Looking at the sadness in Hangyul’s eyes, Yohan holds his breath. “At the time, though, I was so caught up in a lot of things. Life was moving, and I could barely catch up. I didn’t have time to think things through.”

Hangyul seems to be holding his breath too. Yohan continues. “I’m sorry I hurt you then, even if you’ve said several times that you forgive me. I’m sorry I wasn’t there during that time, I’m sorry I broke your heart and never really helped to put it back together.”

Nodding, Hangyul inhales, shaky. He’s starting to lean into Yohan’s touch, but Yohan can still feel him holding back. 

“You’ve forgiven me so many times already, even if I never asked for it. All my mistakes, all the hurt.” Yohan sighs. “I still think I don’t deserve any of it.”

Hangyul seems like he’s about to say something again, but Yohan beats him to it. “But, if you allow me, I will work to deserve it.”

This stuns Hangyul to become even more silent, pulling away from Yohan’s hand to stare at him. If Yohan strains his ears, he can hear their heartbeats quickening. Yohan tightens his hold on Hangyul’s hand.

“Lee Hangyul, I love you,” he says, and he feels like he just got punched square in the chest, cracking all his ribs. “And don’t say that of course I do since I’m your best friend or whatever. I _love_ you, in every sense of it.”

When there is no answer, Yohan continues. He’s looking down at his lap now, barely believing that he’s actually doing this. “It took a while, I know. I started noticing it some time ago but I had yet to admit it to myself.”

Yohan takes a deep breath. “It was hard. I couldn’t understand it at all. For a while, I denied it to myself because I just didn’t know what I was going to do about it. I think I was scared of what would happen.”

Slowly, he lifts his gaze up, meeting Hangyul’s slightly confused one.

“But looking back, I realize I should’ve done something, anything. It didn’t matter that I was scared of fucking it all up. I should’ve just allowed myself to at least accept that it was there. That I felt for you in a way that was more than as a best friend.”

His stomach feels like it’s being gripped and slowly ripped out, but Kim Yohan stands his ground.

“I’ve wasted so much time, I know this. We’ve been in relationships, we’ve broken up with all of them, and where do we go after?”

There are tears in Hangyul’s eyes, threatening to spill over. Yohan doesn’t even fight his own tears anymore.

“We go to each other,” Yohan says, and his voice sounds terrible. “All this time, all these years, we keep going to each other.”

Hangyul nods, seeming like he wants to turn away and cry but he doesn’t. He keeps his eyes on Yohan, his breathing becoming even more shaky. 

“I don’t mind waiting until you’re ready. I’ll wait another ten years if that’s what it takes.” Yohan feels two tears roll down his cheeks. “But I can promise to you now, I won’t go anywhere else. I won’t go to anyone else. I choose you, I always did.”

When Hangyul really starts crying, Yohan does too. Somehow, their hands adjust so that their fingers are interlaced, holding on tightly. They lean forward, resting their foreheads together.

“I love you,” Yohan whispers, almost choking on his own tears. “I’ll say it over and over if I have to.”

There’s an awkward, short laugh from Hangyul, who is so close now that Yohan can really hear every little breath he takes to calm himself down. They’re in a weird position that is sure to ache after a while, and they’re both a mess, but Yohan wants to stay in the moment forever.

“I love you,” Hangyul says through his crying. “Always have.”

Yohan pulls away for a bit, almost laughing at how terrible they both must look. “Always will?” he asks, voice hopeful.

Hangyul really laughs now, the sound rumbling in his chest. “Likely,” he assures, his smile still as beautiful as Yohan has ever known.

They lean into each other again, all awkward limbs and tear-stained cheeks and nervous, but happy laughter. It’s more than Yohan could have ever thought he’d get, it’s more than anything he ever secretly hoped for.

After all, everyone loved Lee Hangyul. And Yohan, Kim Yohan, loved him, too.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> you can find me over at @evnsangcvlt on twt!


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